Labug...I TOTALLY appreciate my wife's side... what I don't appreciate is that she internalized and "faked" it for years while never letting me know we were in trouble... I know in my HEART that this can be fixed but at this point, she refuses to talk to me about us... she is very friendly, talks about the kids, laughs and jokes, but no talk about us... that's what's driving me crazy and now she has moved out and is spending thousands of dollars obtained from her parents on setting up a new home without me in it...
yes, I let her know that I was lonely and that I needed to have attention, but she was never interested and I never pushed because I knew she needed time to heal... we never out and out tried to work on them no... she internalizes and won't communicate when she is hurting, and I was blind to her pain... I see now that we never dealt with that pain and it's been gnawing at her for years... how do we fix it now that she doesn't want to be in this relationship/marriage..?
no, I have not read those books, but I will look for them thanks for the suggestions...
had a very good call with my kids last night and although I knew that they moved, I didn't ask her about that at all.. in fact by the end of the phone conversation, she was asking me about MY day and wanting details of what I was doing today... I answered each question in good spirits, but never asked her about HER... hope I'm doing this right...
as far as other complaints, none that I know of... she has told me that this has nothing to do with ME.. that it's her... she asked me to make changes personally, and she was hoping that those changes would change how she felt about me... they didn't... the night she told me she wanted to separate, she told me she thinks I'm amazing man, dad and husband... but I deserve to be with someone who can treat me the way I should be treated... and that wasn't her... so, therefor, she was leaving and I could find someone new... I don't want anyone new..
I know that I need to change how we interact... I know I need to change how we maintained our relationship... I know that I need to react differently when she isn't in the mood to have sex (no heavy sighs/being irritable the next day)
I'm praying every day... talking to God more now than I ever have... I'm listening to Contemporary Christian music instead of the HARD rock and Metal I used to listen to... I'm shaving every day instead of just shaving when I go to the fire station every third day... I volunteered to help out with Vacation Bible School for the first time ever... other than that I don't know what else to change, because she won't give me anything to focus on...
I'm GAL by focusing on my kids... I also started a Pipe and Drum band for the fire department 4 years ago, so I'm putting more time into that... spent all day at an event today honoring the state's fire fighters... and now I have a half empty house to clean/maintain/organize... so that will take time...
the problem is, I have no idea if this will work, because my wife has given me very little to work with... I hope and pray every day that God will soften her heart..
I know this is a slow process and I won't give up... I'll keep fighting/praying/believing that this can be fixed... she just needs time to sort things out... just hope it happens...
thank you for your encouragement.. means a lot...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Labug...I TOTALLY appreciate my wife's side... what I don't appreciate is that she internalized and "faked" it for years while never letting me know we were in trouble... I know in my HEART that this can be fixed but at this point, she refuses to talk to me about us... she is very friendly, talks about the kids, laughs and jokes, but no talk about us... that's what's driving me crazy
My situation is very similar. But I don't think my H was intentionally faking it, I think he was doing the best he could with the tools he had available. Just as I was doing.
We just didn't have very good tools, ineffective stuff we learned as children.
I would bet you thought you were giving her the best you had to offer during that time. But in retrospect, now that you are about to lose it all, you can see that it wasn't your best.
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she internalizes and won't communicate when she is hurting, and I was blind to her pain... I see now that we never dealt with that pain and it's been gnawing at her for years... how do we fix it now that she doesn't want to be in this relationship/marriage..?
Stop worrying so much about her pain and her coping mechanisms, while it's sometimes good to understand them, those things are hers to deal with.
You can't fix her. Many people here are fixers, in helping professions, we want to fix others because we can, that's what we do. But fixing is just another form of control.
Unless she asks you to fix her, don't.
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had a very good call with my kids last night and although I knew that they moved, I didn't ask her about that at all.. in fact by the end of the phone conversation, she was asking me about MY day and wanting details of what I was doing today... I answered each question in good spirits, but never asked her about HER... hope I'm doing this right...
I think the thing to do is keep personal communication to a minimum and try to end the conversation first. Have no expectation about any interaction and don't try to mindread what each word means.
Detach-really study what that word means in this context. Google it, you'll find lots of info. It's a key to this process.
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... she asked me to make changes personally, and she was hoping that those changes would change how she felt about me... they didn't...
What changes? Did you make them?
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I know that I need to change how we interact...
What is your demeanor like when you are angry? Do you raise your voice? Do things always have to be your way? Do you give orders instead of asking for help or cooperation? Really think about this before you answer.
People in professions like yours do things a certain way every time because it works, it's efficient, it saves lives. And if you're in a command position, that persona is sometimes brought home and you don't even realize it.
It's great in a work situation but in personal R, not so good.
Could that be you?
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the problem is, I have no idea if this will work, because my wife has given me very little to work with... I hope and pray every day that God will soften her heart..
I know this is a slow process and I won't give up... I'll keep fighting/praying/believing that this can be fixed... she just needs time to sort things out... just hope it happens...
This is not a 12-Step but "It works if you work it." Make some small goals (chapter 3 in DR). Write them down, look at them everyday.
You want God to soften her heart; you need to work on you, let the condition of her heart be between her and God. (See how that fixer/controller thing sneaks in?)
she just needs time to sort things outDo you see how this sounds paternalistic? Like you know what's best for her? Right now you're best served by respecting her decision and her choices and not projecting that she just needs time to sort things out.
This is the toughest work you will ever do in your life. And there are absolutely no guarantees that your marriage will be saved. By the time people get here, it's way late in the game.
But if you dig deep, own your stuff and work from a beginner's mind, you will become a better man, a better dad and a better partner.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
+ Your anger. Yes, you are upset that your W is not wanting to "work on it". What ever you do, keep that to yourself and this board. She is not going to change her mind any time soon, if ever. We often call this a marathon because it can take many months, even years. So recognize your anger, figure out how to safely and effectively work through it... and then let it go...
+ Your kids. The ONLY focus around your nuclear family at this time needs to be around your kids. Provide the best environment you can when you are with them. DO NOT become their "disney dad", just keep things at LEAST as good as they were prior to the bomb and at best, take the time you have with them to create new, better, more engaged relationships with them.
+ Your expectations. Drop them. The sooner you figure this out, the sooner things will get better for you. You will have no "in" with your W. You will not "do or say the right thing at the right time" to magically make everything better. There is nothing that you can do or say that will change your W's mind. She will do that on her own if she chooses to. There are no tactics, here. Once you figure this out, your W will have the space she needs and she will not feel that pressure from you and maybe... just maybe... she'll give you a second look...
+ You've read DR. So do the introspective work. Figure out what you did "wrong" or what you could have done better. Become the best man and father that you can be. GAL and 180s will be for you at this time and for quite some time in the future.
what I don't appreciate is that she internalized and "faked" it for years while never letting me know we were in trouble... I know in my HEART that this can be fixed but at this point, she refuses to talk to me about us...
Hi FF,
I'm sorry you are in this place.
She sounds like my W, or at least what she thinks she felt for many years. WAS's seem to reinvent history, and while it is frustrating, it leads nowhere to think about it (and believe me, i overanalyze everything...)
And knowing in your heart that it can be fixed.. I chased down this tunnel for a long time, thinking that I could convince my W to stop and work on things. It was cheeseless for me and pushed her further away.
I have not found what works for the M, but I can tell you mistakes I have made. I can also realized that I can just do my part, the rest is out of my hands. (I hated that, but I am getting better with it. I know that learning to let go will help me in every part and time of my present and future life.)
I have found what works for me and that is detaching and working on me. I do not have any idea if W will change, but I know that I will be a better person.
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
yes, I made the changes that she asked for... I went back to church and got right with God, I lose my temper less and less, I don't yell at the kids, I don't talk down to her... I made the changes she asked for... she admits that she thinks I'm a Great dad, a good man and a great husband... but she feels like SHE can't give me what i deserve, so she left. I do see your points and trust me I have accepted the fact that I can't "fix" her... I am applying as much of the last resort tactic as I can...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
when W was here, we were always on the go... I can't remember the last date WE went on... we have no support system here and all our babysitting "favors" and money get used up to cover schedule differences...
we really never talked anymore... just plopped in front of TV or laptop until bed time... I would change that... maybe feeding kids getting them in the bed, then the two of us having dinner afterward... no TV... just us... talking... finding a way to hire a baby sitter to go out and have some fun...
our relationship, got "lost" in life.. at least that's how I see it...
thank you for your comments...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
thank you for your comments... I'm doing my best to apply them... thank you... I have no expectations other than the belief that God has a plan and I've accepted that and that I will be following His plan... and that His and mine may not be the same...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
thank you for your comments and good luck with your situation as well...
I'm having a very hard time accepting that I can't "fix" this, after all, as a fire fighter, that's what I do... this weekend has been a bit easier playing with my kids and not having her here... I am giving her the space she wants not calling and only talking when she calls to talk to me...
I agree with an earlier comment, that this is the hardest thing I've ever attempted... concentrating on only what I can control and not worrying over those I can't.. I hope and pray that with time, things will sort themselves out...
thanks again for your comments...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
What is your demeanor like when you are angry? Do you raise your voice? Do things always have to be your way? Do you give orders instead of asking for help or cooperation? Really think about this before you answer.
People in professions like yours do things a certain way every time because it works, it's efficient, it saves lives. And if you're in a command position, that persona is sometimes brought home and you don't even realize it.
It's great in a work situation but in personal R, not so good.
Could that be you?
I used to have a very nasty temper... but I've worked very hard on not losing it anymore... I very rarely give orders at the fire station, I'm a lead by example type.. it doesn't have to be MY way, in fact I'm often very non confrontational, so I tend to say nothing when I disagree...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
