First, about being frustrated and being sure your H must see the "problem" and fix it. Just because WE see a problem, doesn't mean others see it. Or... it doesn't mean that they see it AS a problem.
You're very right KD - my assumption that he sees it as a problem the way i do, is what always got us messed up, because then i had expectations. this is a good area for me to do a 180 in. i have to stop assuming that - and if there's really a problem, then discuss it calmly with him, or figure it out myself and let it go.
Second, you mention about trusting your H. What is interesting about this is it appears that many people put more weight on trusting their spouse than is warranted or than they would place on people other than their spouses.
People who have trust issues simply do not put trust in others. At least not to a great extent. Yet somehow, when they say their vows, they place unwarranted trust on their spouse. So the untrusting spouse places trust that would require their spouse to be and do exactly as the untrusting spouse would. Something that is impossible, even if the instructions were crystal clear and there was no mind reading required by the spouse who was being "trusted".
Trust is a condition of having expectations of the results.
i've never thought about it that way. you're right - and then, when our expectations are not met... well we know what happens then
We can trust everyone when we get rid of our expectations.
wow - when i read this, it's like a light bulb came on. thank-you
Said another way, certainly ask your spouse or friend to weed your garden. And then trust them to weed the garden. Just not to weed the garden exactly as you would. Rather, trust them to weed the garden exactly as THEY would. And also trust them to possibly NOT weed the garden, even if they said they would, for reasons that only make sense to them.
this is where i've been really lacking, KD. i always expected him to do it the way I thought it should be done - not even beginning to imagine that it could be done another way. this is the grand 180 i need to do. and i am so grateful to you for helping me to see this. i'm ready to see it now, i don't think i was all these months. and to further trust them to possibly not do it at all - that is really letting go and having no expectations
Trust... without expectations of results... so maybe change the word... to entrust... hand it over... and let it go... trust that what ever the results... were exactly as they were meant to be...
yes yes yes!!! this is the crux of the issue for me right now - and this is the attitude to learn to be, to adopt , to live
and talking about expectations segues into believing none of what he says...
but not really don't believe... rather, what he says are simply words that are coming out of his mouth... not actions... so as those words come out, you are attaching meaning to them and then setting yourself up to have expectations around them...
i have just been coming to that myself over the last few days. that i don't NEED to attach any meaning to anything he says any longer. mil said to me the other day - don't forget what h does - he thinks aloud - it doesn't meant anything except him thinking aloud. and for years, i have got caught up in his "thinking aloud" and always landed up in a mess of expectations and disappointments. NOW, finally i am beginning to see, that what he says doesn't MEAN anything - it's what he does.
it could be that your H is depressed, so just because he says something, doesn't mean that he will do the actions that are suggested in his words... depression is like that...
i always thought he was depressed, from early on - and i would ask him and try to talk about it with him - and his answer was always - "no, i'm not depressed, you are. you are the one whose all f'ed up with your history, i had an easy life, i'm not depressed.
now, i can see the depression - emanating from him. in his body language, the way he carries himself etc. he has to come to his own awareness and help himself through it. i'm here to support him, if he wishes, or asks for it, but not my job to point it out or get him to that awareness. his mom has tried to talk to him about it - he just gets extremely angry and walks away from her...
then again...
this is someone whom you didn't trust... and he likely knows that... and further, he knows you took charge with family stuff... you controlled the family stuff...
yes, i see now, how i did, and still have done until recently. it's not control as much as getting excited to just get on with it and then my crazy energy just takes it over. i've finally realized, that that is not how h functions - he wants to make the decision but it takes him so much time - and my impatience has always stood in the way - i've caused a lot of problems by being so impulsive and impatient, not realizing that my excited behavior completely OVERWHELMS him. it's only now that i am starting to see this really clearly.
so he might think of an idea and put it out there, but expect that you will take charge / control and do it... or if not, then he would do it and would be chastised for the WAY he did it... not up to your expectations... he doesn't trust that you actually will entrust him to something...
right on the mark again - is this universal - or only me?
those possible reasons above don't matter...
what matters is getting rid of the expectations around what he says...
listening is like that...
let him talk... listen... and let it go...
if it had something to do with you with a request... then listening means confirming that a request was made... and then confirming the request... and then... acting on the request...
otherwise, they are just words... listen... be engaged in paying attention to him... and then let it go... he is probably not asking for feedback or suggestions... so don't offer unless he specifically asks...
THIS is the part i haven't really got until now -. i've been expecting him to ask for feedback, assuming that even though we're separated, we can function together in some ways, for co-parenting. but i realize now that he is NOT asking. he isn't really remotely interested. he seems to be, but he is not. i think he just is testing to see my reaction and then i've been confirming for him time and again, that when he throws something out there and i have an instant response - there zig goes again, controlling the situation.
hope that all makes sense and might be helpful...
wow, KD - your post was gold - thank-you.
you have helped me identify some crucial 180's that i need to focus on here. timely is an understatement, and i so appreciate you taking the time to read my long rants and then pointing this all out for me in ways that i can really grasp.
as for how i am? thanks for asking. i think i'm doing pretty well. there is a change inside me, that i can feel things have shifted and that i am finally really truly beginning to detach. i'm also seeing that it's not an overnight thing and i watch myself struggle at times - but the struggle is different now - not sure i can articulate it clearly - more that i know what it's about and i can go through it, but it's extremely clear to me that there's light at the other end of it, and it's not a permanent thing.
i'm letting go of stuff piece by piece - just focusing on what brings up the heavy emotions, then seeing it for what it is and telling myself that it's okay, i can let this go.
i'm seeing the other possibilities much more now - not fully, but enough that it reassures me that i'm okay where i am.
i was just reading that thread about the VETERANS, and i KNOW that a few weeks ago or even days ago i would have shied away from the possibility of life being amazing after a possible divorce, but tonight, i was reading and thinking - yes i need to read this, it's okay to know this, i know this is true - and it didn't make me quake like crazy.
you know, if h did file for D, i now KNOW i'll be alright. i'd be very sad but i have the feeling that if it does happen one day, by the time it goes through, i'll be really good. hell, i am already pretty good, so that's a given
i loved LITB's post about the castle and the picnic - i'm really keeping that image in my mind. in fact i've said that to myself - you're on your own quiet private picnic that's very peaceful and beautiful..
thanks KD:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
