New to DB

[bustingout]

Journaling- sometimes its hard to stay positive and upbeat and. It fall into victim mode.

But I think DB is about learning how not to be a victim anymore. Not do what we have been doing that got us where we are today.

I alwYs thought I needed a man to 'save' me to protect me to support me. Therefore I became needy.

That thought process meant I was always trying to PLEASE yet because I was holding so much in I was being passive aggressive.

So messed up.

This is one of the scariest things I have done. And I know it's only the beginning to more of life's rude awakenings.

I want to gt faith back in my heart and finish digging myself out of this hole I have dug for the past 35 years

[bustingout]

My H texted yesterday to say he was going into a minor surgery for his back and would call when out.

I told him God willing it all goes well. And let me know when u can call so I can have the kids available.

This is after more than two weeks of darkness - OW/PA etc. and hom being MIA for more than 2 weeks.

I have not contacted him since the text about his minir surgery neither has he.

Am I being too dark but not sending a follow up text asking how it went? Trying to remain dark and also he said he would call. So why push it?

[bustingout]

I was just reading the thread The Vets

Really inspirational but also a good reality check about needing to stay focused and that we are in this for the long haul.

I had a serious of events happen these past two days that made me really long for my H. An invite to a friends house that we used to hang out with as a couple

And then after a sandstorm one of the perimeter walls of our house collapsed!

It was scary and made me feel vulnerable for some reason. And it made me think how symbolic it is of our situation. A little sad


But I didn't reach out to him. Called the architect and engineer directly myself. I guess it's a 180 for me Bec normally that would have qualified as a definite reason to call him and ask for help.

Dark dark dark. I wonder if he thinks I'm a cow for not following up with his surgery. But I read on one the Vet threads that if you are not sure- then don't do it. If I interpreted it correctly.

Busting out

[labug]

What he thinks of you is his business.

Don't worry yourself with it.

[bustingout]

Thanks labug. That's exactly what I needed to hear!

There is more to my life than worrying about him!

Hope you are well...

[vera be fierce]

Good for you on making the calls to fix the wall yourself! You are capable of more than you think you are!

[bustingout]

Thanks verab754. I know it's a small thing but it did feel empowering .

Take care of YOU today...

Much love

[vera be fierce]

((( ))) thanks

[needgrace]

That is awesome that you handled that on your own, Bustingout.

I draw strength from the example you and so many others on this board are of strength and grace. ((( )))

[bustingout]

Thanks NG. I do too to be honest.

Today actually, despite a work deadline looming, I am here because I need to refocus. I am tempted to backslide and text or call. I feel a little overwhelmed with the fallen wall, summer holidays approaching (which will be the first time i see him in over 2 months), the sitch in general and the possibility of another bomb.

BUT, he is not the one that will reassure me, or help me cope with th e realities.

Its all of you. So thank you.No backsliding....

time to focus on the reality of my WORK DEADLINE

see you all later.