When it's a one-way street...part 6

[adinva]

So CV, that's why I kept telling you to focus more on yourself, build your own foundation. Focus less on his shortcomings, take them less personally. Work on you. You don't want to leave him yet, so why not make things nicer while you're there? For YOU.

I feel like I'm circling back around to the beginning of my posts, maybe for the second time around. The question is what would that look like? For me it's sleeping in the other bedroom; for H, it's the same bed. For me, it's not sitting next to him at dinner or not even going out to dinner with him; for him, it's going, sitting next to him, and letting him eat off my plate. For me, it's being able to make my own decisions about things; for him, it's me doing exactly what he wants regardless of my own feelings.

what being a better you, a better wife for your h, means is not what you suggested at all. Avoiding what you cannot tolerate, because you cannot tolerate much of anything about him, is not the "work on yourself to make it a better marriage, for you" that i meant. My "for you" was misinterpreted. I didnt mean make it more comfortable for yourself, which is what your examples were. I meant do this hard, uncomfortable, painful work, for the benefit of your self. Just learn to be compassionate because it is beautiful to be compassionate. Just stop taking things personally because you can learn to stop (i believe you can). Just learn to ml with him once in a while to feel good together and not see him as taking yet more from you. Change your perspective, change your thoughts, change your feelings. Thats what it looks like.

I had suggested that if you dont think he deserves it, do it anyway just to be the wife you want to be, just to be a more enlightened person than you were, just because what you practice is what you become. And youre practicing hate disgust dehumanization of him ( what you accuse him of doing to you).

He may not deserve you, but you do. Improve yourself from the inside, because it will be good for you and it might make your narriage better.

As i pointed out it did make mine better without changing what h was doing right away there was an immediate change in how i decided to perceive his actions. Thus, i find you unattractive became "i am in so much pain and confusion that i will say anything just so i can get you on board and end this quickly, dont take it personally." is that really what he meant? Who cares? I feel better thinking he doesnt really think im a dogface; hes just not in his right mind. Snide remarks i used to take personally i now think of as evidence of some anxiety i can help alleviate. And since i'm not engaging, we are not butting heads so much and so our home is more pleasant. I didnt change him, i changed how i think about him.

Whether you stay with bim for the long haul or wind up with someone else, stop practicing meanspiritedness, scorekeeping, and outrage. This is work to do on you, regardless of what he does or notices.

So again i say work on you, it is way too early to expect any change in him, realistically. Its not about whats fair, its about who you are.

Your notes about h make you sound mean and unreasonable, sick and tired, bitter and loveless. Yet you are here. Who are you and who do you want to be?

Does that paint a clearer picture? Your closing sentence, below, i say if you invest in yourself meaningfully, internally, it is ALL crossover, and there is no downside.

I can either invest in me or invest in us. There doesn't seem to be a cross-over.