I have read most of your posts this morning. I can relate to much of your story. I am 56, my husband is 60. We are approaching our 26th wedding anniversary this June. My husband moved out of our family home last Sept. He is renting a cottage about 5 minutes from our home. We have three beautiful sons, #1 son is 22 and just graduated from college, #2 son is 20 and is finishing his sophomore year in college and #3 son just graduated from high school. My husband dropped the bomb in January of 2011. I did all of the wrong stuff until I found this site last summer and began (as my DB coach would say) DBing my head off.
My situation differs from yours in one way, that to date I am not aware of any OW in my husband's life. I know I could be wrong about this, but there has been no evidence or indication of an affair. The thing my husband seems to have turned to is work. He works constantly. Even when he was living at home, this became his escape, on weekends. He would sit at our dining room table with his computer for hours and work.
What is very confusing for me in all of this is the state of limbo my husband lives in. Since he left last Sept. there have been a few "touch and goes". In Feb he said he would like to work on our relationship, thought we should go sailing in the Caribbean together to celebrate his 60th birthday, spend more time together, etc and then a month later is was BAM! Total retreat back into the tunnel. He does not move forward with any talk of divorce, or legal separation (he is a lawyer so he is very in tune with all the "legalities") He says he does not know what to do. This has been his line for almost 2 years. Really?????, you smart, talented man, who has accomplished so much in your life, you don't know what to do or what you want? So uncharacteristic of him. He has to move out of his rental cottage by June 30th because the owners need it for July and August. We live in a location where there are a lot of vacation properties. He has not shared with me or any of the boys as to what he is doing as of June 30th. I am certain he has no plans to move home. Some friends say that they think he is waiting for me to make the move with going forward with the divorce. That way he won't have to own the action and look like the bad guy. He can blame me. I don't know if this is true, but it could be a possibility.
So here we sit in limbo land. I have been GALing etc and getting great coaching from my DB coach. I have had no trouble detaching as it is actually easier for me than trying to hold on to smoke as they say. We have had several events that require us to be together with graduations etc. Everything is always pleasant and civil and H, prides himself on how well we get along. I have learned that his image in public is much more important than I ever realized. And he does not want to be perceived as the bad guy I am sure. So he loves to portray us as the good friends playing nice together. Kind of makes me sick, but I haven't figured out a better way to "be" in public.
This, as for all of us on this board, is not the life I had envisioned for myself. I so thought I would be one of those people enjoying my spouse as we transitioned into the empty nest stage of life, looking forward to weddings and grandchildren together, enjoying all of the things we used to do, and now have the time and money to do. I am mourning the loss of my dreams.
What I need help with and I welcome any input here, is how to behave, act, change the dynamic with him so that he understands he is risking losing me. I am quite sure he sees me as moving on with my life, but still waiting in the wings for him. Does this make sense. I back slid about 5 months ago and said to him, "I am a one man woman". That I would not be interested in another relationship. which is absolutely true and honest, but I know not a good thing to share with him.
I don't want to date, I don't want another man in my life, but he may think I will just be around indefinitely should he change his mind and come home. And I don't want to fake dating just to get a rise out of him. But I do think I need to "change it up" as they say. I take good care of myself and always try to look pretty when I am out and about. So it is not like he is looking at a frumpy dowdy middle age woman, but he is not looking at me with va va voom eyes I am quite sure.
I saw Bonnie Raitt in concert recently. She is 62, and looks and acts so classy and hip, but completely age appropriate. Like she doesn't have to try at all to be this magnet of attraction. A great example of a woman who hasn't lost her touch, but isn't trying to look or act like she is still 30.
Have rambled on here, but thank you to anyone who reads this. And thank you Twink for sharing your story. I don't know how to make arrangements on this board to connect with someone one on one, but I would love to be able to connect with you by email if possible.
