Some people are particularly good at creating a false reality and living in it, and ... when 'true' reality knocks them from time to time, what is going on, and they become confused [Brookie's xh] or angry [your and mine xhs] Because it isn't like the picture/soap opera that is running in their head.
Yes, so true. I will say that when I entered the R and then M with my W, I had no false beliefs or constructions about my W's known behaviours. Perhaps I "glossed over" or otherwise ignored the negative stuff, but I certainly was aware of it. And in hind sight, I can see that my W constructed some "fantasy" about her life, herself, me... during the M... and when that failed... for whatever the reason, either my resistance to continuing the "play" or other life circumstances, she went on to create a new one without me.
In that, my W was the angry MLCer rather than the confused MLCer. I think the angry MLCer goes after and focuses on what was wrong with their LBS where the confused MLCer focuses on their life in general... and how it wasn't what they want and how good their new life will be... a slight shift in focus... but strongly different behaviours regarding the LBS...
No, not ABOUT me... because there were other parts of her life that she cut out, as well... other people... and things from her past life she brought back, like the partying and youthful lifestyle...
This hasn't been a "one time" thing for my W. It does appear this has been part of how she's conducted her life. When something no longer works for her, throw it out. That is very apparent about her in the physical realm, and I believe it is a big aspect of her emotional realm, as well...
Originally Posted By: beatrice
That is a keystone of a MLCer - resistance to real personal change. They will create story upon story to shore up their false reality.
In order to bridge their old lives to their new lives, the have to create stories that do not include them as "a problem". I think this is where the PDs show up prominently. Until they are officially diagnosed with a chronic PD, they could simply be explained as them having to deal with a difficult sitch. IF they have chronic PDs, they could simply be good at hiding them in the constructions.
I know and admit that my "absence" in the M was due to many reasons including my desire to simply not be in conflict with my W which meant that I would hide in my work for a positive reason (to provide more financially to the M), while I was hiding from the conflict by working. But when push came to shove, I chose the M and family, over the work...
OTOH, my W will say that she has chosen out of the M because I was not a good H. That's paraphrased and simplified, but the point being that she would not, still will not, consider that she was an absent and controlling spouse (among other possible things)... and then actively working on THOSE changes...
So they create and focus on the stories, real or contrived, as reason to leave all the while creating the framework for their new and wonderful life which they then slip themselves into...
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Trusting, I would continue has you have been doing and limit your contact w/your xh.
I so agree. This had been so difficult for me because I easily got caught up in my W's drama. And I was still owning her issues.
While I would be interested in true co-parenting and that is the way our SA is set up, the reality is that I had to shift the effort to strictly parallel parenting. Eventually, we may be able to co-parent and I'd be open to do that.
For now, parallel parenting allows for me to maintain minimal contact with my W which helps reduce her ability to focus on what I'm doing as well as me removing my focus on what she is doing... by doing that, aside from a few bumps getting there... my W has become much, much less angry "at me"... as far as I can tell... and it sure has helped me to really, really stop thinking about what she is doing or what she might be thinking... and what "meaning" that might have... because there is NO meaning for me, in what she does or how she thinks...
