I just want to be friends...Pt2

[YankeeCandle]

Journaling:

Having a bit of a tough day today. I wish I could just move on and let go but I just can't. Maybe it's now more my own limbo than anything else.

Ok, so having a low day. I helped out yesterday at a photoshoot - just to get my mind on other things. It was helpful - except that a weird thing happened. The photoshoot was of a band, who - at the end - invited us to the gig which is taking place in a couple of days. The photographer was like, "She doesn't want to go." Huh???

I went to the photographer's place afterwards just helping out with carrying the equipment. Again, before leaving he said, "I will give the manager your name, but if you don't want to go don't feel you have to."

I said, "yeah - put my name down and I'll see how I feel - thx."

So much for GALing! It's hard not to take this personal!!

So, what does this have to do with my M? Nothing directly - only that after I left, I was like, my H isn't around, my 'friends' aren't around, what's going on? I suddenly feel like a leper or something!

Just having a tough day.

These are the days that make me wonder what the hell am I doing hoping and waiting. Maybe I should just get on with the heartbreak, grieve and be done with it...and move on.

[zig]

YC - go print out the recipe and read it through a couple of times.

and yes you have to keep moving forward - it will keep coming up again and again, and then you just work yourself through what is going on in the moment and get to the next little step.

don't keep focusing on what you don't have -just focus on what you have - the positive things, and you'll feel just a little better, and that just a little better will help you get to the next level.

i'm struggling a tad bit this weekend - and acting as if i'm okay - just forcing it.

i think ow came into town yesterday and is here until tuesday - i'm actually ok with that-- accepted it and just trying to let it go - but it's there, like a splinter under my nail - accepting that too.

h just gave s to me - and hasn't told s that he's staying with me until tuesday - just told him - see you after the weekend. this time i'm not even trying to fix it. not even trying to 'Make s feel better"

here's my new attitude - i'm not trying to fix or save this anymore. i'm giving up. i'm not trying anymore - the only thing i'm trying to do is keep me and s as happy as we can be here together - doing fun stuff together - and even though the twinges are there - f them , too. i just need the relief.

don't let him have this power over you - don't have a tough day because of him - go out and have a blast. your friends are there - it's your energy stopping them from being there - go find them and have fun - and then say to yourself - duh! i can have fun without him. and yes you can , and so can i.

watched Labrinth last night - at s's request - very timely!! hadn't seen it before . needed that message "you don't have any power over me"

the power we give our WAS's - by letting ourselves obsess over everything they do and say or not do or say. [censored], we're really keeping ourselves messed up. how about some of that power directed towards ourselves? all that energy directed towards ourselves or something really worth our while - like your photography, my knitting. if we put all that energy there - can you imagine what we'd come up with?

we need self-empowerment more than we need what we think we need right now!!

you have to lose the need, first. we all do!!

(((( ))))

zig

[zig]

you okay YC?

just checking in.

zig