When it's a one-way street...part 6

[Accuray]

I believe the path there lies in establishing and enforcing your boundaries, while at the same time being polite, friendly, and nice to be around.

Being nice to H is not the same as giving in to things you don't like. I believe that's where you start -- remove the criticism and judgement, provide encouragement and support -- while at the same time NOT allowing your boundaries to be violated.

Will that make H totally happy? No -- at least not initially. Will that make H happier? I would bet it will -- although to your point when he gets a little, he'll probably instantly want more -- his "taker" will emerge and start trying to make a land grab. Instead of retreating, stay where you are but maintain your boundaries. If you're the little girl and you decide you're going to keep 5 of the best and newest toys for yourself, you just do it. If he can't be happy with the 15 toys you left for him, you can't own that, that's his cross to bear. If he tries to take one of your toys, you make it very clear he can't have it -- you don't give in even a little bit, and each time he tries, you reinforce it again and again.

Over time, if you're consistently avoiding active hurts (criticism, scolding, shaming, cold shoulder treatment), he begins to feel safer, and maybe doesn't need to grab for all the toys to try to make himself feel good. Eventually maybe he offers one up.

I think that's where the road lies.

Accuray