The debate I've been reading up on lately is whether or not (b) is truly sustainable long term. Can you really live with someone over the long term who (1) you have feelings for and (2) is a "rotten jerk" and STILL manage to find happiness for yourself?

My MC said "no, that's fiction", that while it's healthy to work on yourself and to see to your own needs, it's not realistic to expect to find happiness in a marriage where your needs are not being met.

The "Marriage Builders" website effectively says the same thing -- dropping expectations and focusing on you doesn't work long term. I believe it ABSOLUTELY works short term when your marriage is in crisis and you need to prevent divorce, but it doesn't seem like a sustainable way to live, particularly when you know it can be better -- ignorance can be bliss in that regard. Instead, dropping your expectations of your spouse and focusing on you feels like a transition strategy to get to something better.

I'm 100% convinced that I'm drawn to the "Marriage Builders" philosophy because it's what I want to hear -- it supports my preconceived notions and "let's me off the hook" by making W at least in part directly responsible for my happiness. I know why I like it, it's an easier way out. I'm just not sure it's right, and I'm still wrestling with that.

Accuray

Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015