When it's a one-way street...part 6

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CV,

I like your story.

Adinva, DB says that you can change your *relationship* by changing yourself. That's different than changing the other person, but maybe the distinction isn't that meaningful because it's the relationship that's probably more important.

i.e. someone can't fight with you if you don't take the bait. It's hard for someone to be mean to you if you're consistently nice to them, etc. etc.

I think that's what's behind the "build a bridge" suggestion right? That it might improve the relationship through CV's actions.

I was just listening to a marriage radio program where the H was doing what some people are suggesting what CV should do. They were telling him to "build the bridge" -- be the best husband you can be, complain about nothing, don't criticize his wife in any way, address her complaints, don't get defensive, be a model husband. That's almost impossible to execute and retain your humanity IMO, but in any case, he was complaining that he's been doing that for 8 months, and his W is still not reciprocating, she's not meeting his needs. His frustration and weariness were coming through in his voice. He said that this process has just left him with "no love left for her". He said his blood pressure is at an all time high, he feels physically ill, and just wants the pain to end. Interestingly, the doctor said that he hasn't been doing it nearly long enough -- he said to expect to do it for 2 years. He said that eventually you'll see a change, and it will be overnight. You'll pass some threshold and your spouse will start to engage. If you sabotage yourself however by backsliding, you keep pushing the end date out. The guy said "Two years! no way, no way, just not going to happen"

The problem I have with that advice is that people don't do well with long feedback cycles. If I flip the switch, I expect the light to come on. If the system is designed so that the light turns on 12 hours after I flip the switch, chances are I'm going to run in circles, replace the lightbulb and try to completely rewire it instead of waiting. That's why I think your sitch is so admirable, you've been at it for at least a year, and are trying to model "great wife".

It feels to me like the amount of pain that CV would have to push through to build that bridge for up to 2 years is something she doesn't see herself having the strength or desire to do.

The cruel irony is that you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you don't build the bridge, you're guaranteed 2 years of suffering anyway, and then as many more years of suffering as you stay in the marriage.

If you DO build the bridge, your 2 year pain is even worse, but there's a chance things will be MUCH better later.

To me it's like someone saying to me "If you go to prison for 2 years, when you get out I'll give you a coin. If you flip the coin and it lands on heads, I'll give you one hundred million dollars. If you flip tails, you get nothing"

Boy, two years in prison is going to be unimaginably painful, but one hundred million dollars would be life changing for me, my family, and our future generations -- but I could also walk away with nothing.

I feel for you on that CV. My sitch has some of the same themes, but my pain level is not as great.

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