Adinva, I believe my hope on this board came from seeing all the men that had such insightful and introspective posts. I knew that it wasn't an insurmountable gender issue as my H claims.
I also saw all the LBS's making such effort, willing to acknowledge all the things they did wrong and work desperately to get their WAS's back. I hoped to glean something I could do to get my H's attention.
I can work on me in all sorts of ways, and will do so regardless of my M, always have. But as Accuray said, this is a two-person relationship and H bears some responsibility in it. I can't force him to change, but nor am I wrong in expecting him to do his part. It takes two to make a healthy M work and only one to make it crash and burn. I can't do it alone.
The M commitment (or not D'ing) is complicated, part of which is not wanting to put S through what you're going through re: your kids. If H doesn't step up, I plan to do my time, probably much like Accuray described his parents' R, until S is on his own. Then I'll just disappear into my own life, career, activities etc. and avoid being with H as much as possible. My search here will at least contribute to my knowing I've tried everything I could.
Honestly, there's a part of me that figures I won't have that long to deal with it anyway. H is 9 years older, has already had one heart attack, doesn't take care of myself or exercise or eat right. I wouldn't wish his death, but the writing is on the wall. If it happens, part of me will consider it a blessing. I know that might sound cruel, but I'm not causing it or wishing it, I've even tried to get him to do better. I'm just being honest. I will be very sad, because I do love him, and because just like a D, it's the end of what could have/should have been something beautiful. But it doesn't leave the mess behind that a D does. Heck, who knows, maybe I'll die first, then that becomes a win for H.
