I just received an email from my attorney letting me know that my W's attorney is preparing the dismissal. It gives me great relief to know that she began the legal process and is ending it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
For my wife and I, we mutually decided to do a series of two 3-month "stays," rather than dismissals (eventually, we did totally dismiss). We decided that the "gun to our heads" had forced us to deal with some things, and that we both responded better to deadlines and the accountability of a still-hanging-over-us divorce, to make us get our crap together.
For us, it was the best thing. I believe that without it, we may have just fell back too quickly into our old, complacent ways. Two 3-month stays was just the trick to hold our feet to the marital fire.
That is interesting Starsky. Did you and your wife attend couple's therapy/retreats? I'm interested to know what steps you took.
I hope you don't mind if I pick your brain here on the piecing process. I realize self improvement and working on our R/M is a never ending process.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
We attended Retrouvaille, and had several MC sessions. Never did get to the whole "infidelity" topic in the MC; we stopped going to her after just doing the basic "here's some homework about what the two of you can do as a couple to meet each other's needs more" standard stuff.
No, it was mostly our own hard work, and that view that you get from the precipiece (sp?), and you VOLUNTARILY step back from it, and say "I don't want to go over this edge." Having faced it, and realizing "I'll be okay with this (if we divorce)," I think made me not WANT to . . . if that makes any sense?
For my wife and I, we mutually decided to do a series of two 3-month "stays," rather than dismissals (eventually, we did totally dismiss). We decided that the "gun to our heads" had forced us to deal with some things, and that we both responded better to deadlines and the accountability of a still-hanging-over-us divorce, to make us get our crap together.
For us, it was the best thing. I believe that without it, we may have just fell back too quickly into our old, complacent ways. Two 3-month stays was just the trick to hold our feet to the marital fire.
Starsky
Thank you for your transparency about the toughness of this. I'm so glad for your miracle. You deserve it. Your marriage deserves it.
Starsky, thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is priceless and very much appreciated.
BM, thank you again. It is a miracle.
CS, always great to see you. You are free to use my thread if you wish.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I am going to try to get my thread up to date today. In the meantime, I wanted to share one of my favorite posts that I saved from the archives.
Here's some absolutely great advice from Greg. Thanks, Greg. ******************************** Do you feel like you can't go on? Like your world is nothing without your spouse? Well... YOUR FEELINGS ARE DECEIVING YOU. You can go on, and you can have a great life without your spouse.
After marriage, you both come to rely on one another for many things; love, confidence, security, and many other physical, psychological, and material needs.
But, how did you survive on your own before you were married? Could you survive on your own before you were married? Are you surviving on your own now? Legitimate questions here folks.
Marriage requires a certain amount of co-dependency from each spouse as noted above. Here's the kicker: You have to learn to be independent before you can successfully be co-dependent. This is not a one-way street either, both spouses must learn to fend for themselves.
Giving your walkaway forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth (the soul?) and individualism is the BEST thing you can do for your troubled relationship.
And You. You need to build/maintain your own unique individualism, and be comfortable on your own before your walkaway spouse will see you in a positive light. These positive changes are what manifest into major doubts for the walkaway spouse as to whether or not they are doing the right thing by leaving you. The right thing meaning, the right thing for THEM. After all, this really is about them.
Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.
So, is this crisis in your life really a crisis, or an opportunity for personal growth in disguise?
People, please take care of yourselves FIRST. It will do incredible things for you and your relationship.
Peace. G
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
