When it's a one-way street...part 6

[adinva]

The concrete details are a lot easier for me. Back to the plate scenario when he said that somewhat belligerent "see I asked him I didn't take it" - you could have said "I appreciate that." end of story. Not over the top, but honest. Not condescending or like talking to a little kid.

Your responses to him, expressed and even just internal in the way you write how you feel about what he said, strike me as oppositional, which was frequently triggered in me too, and is a very big problem my h had with me. Leading up to about 2 years ago I had almost a teenage girl mentality toward my H as an overbearing father. I was obnoxious and oppositional. It still pops out occasionally, and my IC notes and challenges it. It comes from my childhood, and I see it in you. Anything you might work on there?

I hate to hear 'you can be happy or right'. Someone said that to me in iVillage as if that explained my whole situation in a nutshell and I thought "recipe for a doormat." There's a happy medium. In a loving relationship you choose your battles wisely, you overlook some things out of love and tolerance. You can trust that you're going to get tolerance back for your idiosyncracies. I'm working to let go of certain things, or be a little extra tolerant in how I respond, and I feel better about myself because of it.

I think if you could practice acknowledging good things about him once in a while without letting the whole pile of bad that becomes obvious in light of the measly good OVERWHELM the good little thing...you can start to build a bridge of goodwill toward each other. So yeah, 'thanks for not eating off my plate - I know you don't get it but it means a lot to me' seems ridiculous in light of how basic it seems to you, and even more how you use it as a symbol of even being treated as a human (!) ... it's one tiny step in the right direction. And then you can take another step. The surprise (!) was how far you stretched the meaning of the food-plate thing. Your pain is so deep and multifaceted.

I like what they say about how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time.

I really enjoyed our chitchats these past days, and always appreciate a good argument/discussion. Helps us all understand this very complicated stuff.