T^2 - How incredibly perceptive of you. Spot on in so many ways.

For starters, the Step 1 stuff. I'm not sure I'm following what exactly you mean, but I identify with your reasons for staying and I too, am not open to outside relationships.

You brought up an interesting point regarding what my gut says. It's telling me to not give up. I pray every day for the courage to keep pushing myself forward and the strength to forgive. I kind of just gave up and told the Big Guy/Gal upstairs that I was done and would just let it all go let Him/Her take over. All the fussing between my heart and my mind seem to be more in line with each other now vs. a year ago. Both are telling me to sit and wait.

I've had people tell me to get away from her. I've had people tell me to call her out and tell her to put up or shut up. I've had people tell me she's had/having an affair. I've had people advise me to seek legal counsel.

My gut says that none of those options/opinions are right. My gut tells me that my W doesn't want me to abandon her. Almost like a teenager on the edge of falling in with a bad crowd.

No matter how rough it can be or what she says to me about how she feels about me, I just sit back and trust the Big Guy/Gal will make certain that no matter what happens, what will be will be. Not knowing what to do at times and not putting much thought into things, I've found that my W approves of greatly even if she won't allow herself to tell me so. I chalk most of that up to how she believes I'm only doing things to win her back.

My gut makes me want to cry because it won't let me give up on her even during the hardest of times. I feel like a fool for saying that in these forums because I've read some stuff regarding some nasty mlc-ers and I should count my blessings my W doesn't crap on me like so many others do.

You're also right on the last part. The long/short of it all is that I found out after 38 years that I have ADD with a dash of anxiety. I really had no idea. My mind is always off on an adventure and my W always thought I was angry because I was frowning. All this time it was me concentrating and trying to slow my brain. I've always leaned towards being rather creative and the good news is I haven't lost too much of that with the meds I take.

Anywho, the short of it is I've never cursed at my W, physically harmed her, called her names or stepped out on her, but at times I did have a short fuse that surfaced after I started working where I currently work. The stress involved with my job was coming home to roost and I was not fair to her or my kids.

The part of this who experience that I'm thankful for is that I've learned so much self control. Even without meds, I don't get easily aggitated ( see above comments regarding the Big Guy/Gal ) and I've learned about love, partnership, fatherhood and responsibility. My work is still very demanding, but I'm much more capable of taking it in stride and slowing it down.

So yes, when things were all about me and what I wanted, I was very capable of sparking up when I wasn't getting my way. This hasn't been the case at all for over a year now at the very least. I know now, that for the first year of my wife's adventure, I was very bad about keeping my sadness and hurt from showing. It was when I realized my kids were reacting to me reacting to my W's behavior that I knew I had been all wrong.

It's been a long battle, but I fight everyday to show nothing but peace and project confidence or indifference.

Where I am now, T^2, and were I don't want to be, is "dim as possible". I don't like being so distant to my wife this past month, but my gut also tells me that if she does move out, I'm going to be the one that pushes her to do it if I take a wrong step.

I like how you're able to speak to your W about "having trouble detaching today", but I don't have that kind of dialog right now. My gut tells me it's not the best approach for me, that she just wants me to leave her alone to sort herself out.

So I wait, and I wait, and I wait. Kids are out of school. 3 months for her to make a move when it's easiest for the kids to get into the transition. After 3 months....? It's all a coin flip at this point.