I wanted to add that as time goes on Im letting go alot easier and coming into a new place in my grief I guess...perhaps Im starting to float into acceptance and forgiveness.
I never do anything the easy way, I always have to multi task. Instead of one stage of grieving at a time, oh no I must do 3 at a time. I've been flip flopping in anger/resentment -acceptance-denial for a while now, more anger/resentment more than anything.
I am finally accepting who XH is NOW. I have finally accepted there was nothing I could do to change his mind or control his choices. I have accepted this is not my fault. I have accepted the things I do know I was responsible for that contributed to the demise of our marriage. Im also now aware that part of the marital breakdown was XH not being able to accept me for who I am and him trying to change me. I also tried to change him. This was the dance of anger we've been dancing for many years.
I've also come to accept that the person I've seen XH as the last year,and as more truth becomes evidence, is no one I'd ever want to have anything to do with in my everyday life. It saddens me because I realize the root cause of his behavior is serious issues with self esteem, lack of loving himself, therefore he must be in control. My XH is dishonest, and not trustworthy. It saddens me when I know the basis of someone acking like a complete jackA$$ is due to fear. Especially when it's someone you love. But I also accept that there is nothing I can do to help him, except let go. The only thing I can pray for is that letting go, keeping my firm boundaries, and keeping distance will eventually help XH help himself. I feel sad for him. Because I feel like he's lived his whole life superficially, and that's all he's doing now. Life never seemed to mean anything to him, just moving on to the next thing to make him high until that wore off. And the next, and the next. I feel so sad for him really.
XH is not capable of the relationship I need and want to have. Yes I still miss the times when I thought he and I were friends. But true friends don't do the things that he's done. You can't be friends with someone when you're constantly on egg shells. We seem to get along well in regards to the girls, managing our schedules for his time with them, etc. But that's where we keep it.
So I survived the first year on my own. I survived the divorce. I've learned to be more self sufficient and actually enjoy the freedom to do so. I value myself now. I've let go of the idea that I have to fix everything, and help everyone. I've accepted the fact that I must take care of me in order to be of value to anyone else. Im now looking at my journey with eagerness of all the good things that are ahead. I had to work myself through the darkest days to get to this point, but I made it. I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for, and actually am able to see this divorce as a gift of getting my life back, and starting out my life the way I want it to be this time.
It's funny because I've been in this weird frame of mind that's midlife transition, knowing what I wanted to do and the biggest thing I needed was the freedome to go out and explore and feel free to be me.I've felt this for about 3 years now. But now Im seeing that in order for me to be able to travel my path I wanted to take, it just wasn't meant for him to come along with me. That makes me sad, but obviously it wasn't meant for me to go on his journey either. But that's ok. He does things his way, I do them mine.
