When it's a one-way street...part 6

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(FYI, H's comment was beligerent and inappropriate)

CV, I recommended leaving the table in the middle of the meal if he violates your boundary. I think my point at the time was that you'd only have to do that once. The one time you did it, it would be no fun, but you would definitely be communicating that this boundary is "for real", and you're going to enforce it.

I took a business strategy class once and they talked about Disney. Disney historically had a policy of litigating every lawsuit brought against them -- they settled nothing. Therefore, if you slipped at Disneyland and sued them for $1000, they would spent $10,000 to defend themselves instead of paying you the $1,000 settlement. Irrational and inappropriate? Yes! The strategy however was "signaling", they are sending a clear message that they will not be swindled with frivolous lawsuits -- don't even try. They'll kill a fly with an anvil, and they'll do it all day long. That informs the public about how to treat them, and what to expect. Sure, they far over-react to the lawsuits they get, but they probably prevent themselves from having to deal with thousands of cases that never get filed.

That's why sometimes I believe you have to have a disproportionate reaction to a boundary violation, and you have to be 100% consistent. If you're not, the boundary isn't credible, and if the consequences aren't meaningful, then the boundary isn't respected.

That's my $0.02 on the "food sharing" in restaurants. I might now set a boundary about "rude comments in polite company" -- if you speak to me that way, I will quietly leave the table and go home and we can discuss it later. That's my boundary.

FWIW, I believe he hurled that barb your way out of a sense of pain and frustration -- he doesn't understand why you have such an issue with that, because he doesn't have an issue with it. Making that comment was his attempt to be "right" instead of being happy, by making you look petty and unreasonable. If he felt loved and accepted, he wouldn't do things like that.

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