When it's a one-way street...part 6

[Accuray]

I can appreciate your reaction to "Passionate Marriage", to me it's like "Marriage 3.0" when I'm still trying to figure out "Marriage 1.0". I do recommend the book, because it challenges you and makes you think. The downside for me was that I saw potential I wanted to realize, but W didn't want to join me on that journey, so I also had to put it down, because it was making me increasingly frustrated with my sitch.

I'm reading "His Needs, Her Needs" now, which is interesting and good but somewhat dated. Here's the interesting thing about it:

"His Needs, Her Needs" says that you should absolutely expect your spouse to meet your emotional needs, and that you should NOT expect to drop your expectations to make things work.

It says that when you get married, you are granting your spouse EXCLUSIVE rights to meet some of your emotional needs (intimacy, sex, affection), so if they choose not to provide for those needs, they're putting you in a terrible situation because you can't get them met elsewhere while remaining true to your vows, yet they refuse to provide for them. (Reminded me about our discussions about "marriage entitlements" CV)

It also says that working on communication skills and problem solving never saves a marriage. The only thing that works is rekindling romantic love, and that is only done by making deposits in the spouse's "love bank". It says that when one spouse is withdrawn, there will be no reciprocation, and the spouse who wants improvement has to make all the deposits with no reward, but one day things WILL change if you keep at it.

Now that sounds to me like "pursuit", where you are seeking to meet their needs without having yours met.

I feel based on what I've read so far that DB is more appropriate for a WAS situation, but that "His Needs, Her Needs" philosophy may be more appropriate for piecing, where there is at least some mutual motivation to work on the marriage.

In any case, I found it interesting that so many people on this board espouse the importance of making yourself happy, not being codependent, and not relying upon your spouse to provide your happiness, whereas this book says you should absolutely expect your spouse to meet your needs and provide your happiness, and if they don't, then you're headed for divorce. I'm not sure those two concepts are opposed, I think they're actually complementary, but it doesn't let the spouse off the hook as easily some of the comments I've read here would imply.

In any case, good stuff, and sorry to hijack your thread for a book review CV!

Accuray