but it would be worth noting and rewarding the effort and ignoring the delivery.
THIS! I have a problem with this. What is it? What is it I'm missing here? My immediate reaction to your statement was this:
I feel like that is treating him like a child. I feel like this is so basic, that for me to reward him would be almost belittling. I definitely feel like his post-dinner comment was belligerent, like it was a major put-out for him to be courteous. For me to respond, "Well done!" -- well, I'm not sure I could to that without feeling that I was being belligerent right back. Now, for example, if he purposely steered the restaurant selection away from the steakhouse to something that was more veggie-friendly, then THAT would definitely deserve being commended. It isn't basic courtesy, it's personal. It still conflicts with his pre-existing meat-eating personal preference, but it's truly consideration that I could be appreciative of.
Plus, I didn't hear anyone else thanking him/commending him for not eating food off of their plates, and I never have. He doesn't do it to anyone else, just to S and me. I don't think I have it in me to thank him for being as "kind" to me in that way as he is everyone else on the planet. That sounds very co-dependent from the little I've learned of it, which I was just reading up on - again.
Just thinking outloud... I think I spent the early years of our M exhibiting some measureable co-dependent behaviors, disguising it as trying to be a good W. If H is narcissistic (very possibly,) a co-dependent is his perfect mate. While I think I have some mild tendencies and therefore slipped into the role somewhat easily, it obviously didn't fit me well because I rebelled. I feel like H is still trying to put me back in that role, and I refuse to go. Your comment that I should somehow reward him for treating me with basic courtesy flared that rebellion again. I can easily thank him for things above and beyond, I can't thank him for treating me like a human being, of which he obviously knows how and can easily do with others. One of my boundaries is treating me with basic courtesy and respect.
You seem comfortable with it. Can you describe for me what you're thinking? Obviously I have my own issues clouding the benefit that you see clearly.
