When it's a one-way street...part 6

[adinva]

Hi. I'm so drawn to your sitch. I think it reminds me a lot of mine, but you voice things I stuffed down inside.

I think your meal this past weekend sounds great. First, you managed the seating in a sensible way. Second you heard from H that he's trying to remember you don't like this habit. Sorry that felt awkward to you, which I could see, because it's a little belligerent, but it would be worth noting and rewarding the effort and ignoring the delivery.

What you mentioned about him saying you went ballistic is interesting. He is able to manipulate you with his reactiveness, so that you're reluctant to enforce your boundary (nonpunitively) because you want to avoid his (punitive) response. In the Boundaries tapes, that would be a case where you let his statement float up to your boundary, consider the validity of it, and let it bounce off because it is invalid. So you don't have to get upset or mad that he said it. You might say "I didn't intend for you to think I was going ballistic. I don't want you to eat off my plate."

The "don't ruin it for everyone else" is a problematic boundary, since it involves two things you don't control - his behavior and everyone else's perception of it.

So, you like to eat out together. How about a cooking class together? Or...see a movie? Or...

Let's see, my IC would say to enforce a boundary you need to express it first and state what you will need to do, and get agreement that it's fair and the other person will try to accommodate it. So it would go like this. Before you go out to dinner you say, "H I'm really looking forward to this dinner, and am glad to spend the time with you. I want to discuss ahead of time my boundary about food so we can both feel comfortable. As you know, I feel disrespected when you take food off my plate, so I'm going to ask you not to do that tonight, and if you reach out, I'm going to cover my plate with my (knife! napkin! hands!) as a quiet reminder so we don't have a scene that is embarassing to me. Will you agree to that?" Hopefully he says Yes Dear I will! But he has just as much right to say "no way jose, I am the man and I eat what I see, beware!" to which you might agree to still go but arrange to sit far away from him, or you might decide not to go. Without animosity you negotiate this to meet your need for your plate of food and his need for more food than he got served. It's kind of a funny example, but in my sitch I love stuff like this because it's a sandbox to practice in, and represents larger issues that are more serious. Still the skills build. For me, it was dog poop, my early posts are littered with it, ha.

It's the absence of animosity and judgment. It's the acceptance that your H and you have different ideas about plates. It's the realization that you aren't going to get along if you read his behavior as a symbol of overall boorishness (judgment) but handle his behavior as an objective thing that if you can negotiate you can be successful with him.

I know, how about go to dinner where they serve family style, and keep the serving bowl between you two? Anyway, brainstorming. Gotta get back to work.
Take care friend,
A.