Thanks Bond for checking in... My sitch or plot has definitely thickened for the worst since the weekend. I'll get as much out and try to update later this evening.
I ended up breaking down after 4 days of NC. After going this long and with the holiday, my heart got the better of my mind and I just had to hear her voice. I guess what I am having the hardest time with is the question of why. I really and truly feel that the reasons she is giving me are her true feelings about the situation. She is placing almost all the blame on me when I truly feel that she, not necessarily has changed, but she doesn't want the responsibilities of being married. She is feeling guilty of wanting to lead a "single" lifestyle while still married. Ie, making decisions for herself and D, coming and going w/o worrying what I am doing or need, going out on wknds, not having anybody to answer to. It is just easier for her to blame me rather that accept that her decision to end M is really not a valid reason other than to her. I feel that these feelings came from different places, and I take full responsibility for my part in making her feel certain ways.
After a 45 min conversation, we got off the phone, and even though I felt better to get things off my chest and feel that some parts of these convos make her "think" about the sitch, i didn't have any better feelings towards us.
The following day, I spoke with the one confidant that I have had throughout this whole thing. And again, I got the same story I have heard so many times... from confidant, from L, from friends, and different counselors... that she is gone, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy, what she is doing isn't what a loving wife would do, and so on....
Right after that conversation, the thoughts in my mind were almost unbearable. I did something that I am not sure if it will cause damage or not. I called in the mind set that i am the victim. I left her a msg that even though I do not want this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our M, that I only want her to be happy, that if a D is the only thing that will make her happy, to have papers drawn up and I will sign them.... Later on she text me to say that she got my msg and we would talk about it the next day. Then she said she would get me whatever I want. Yesterday came and went with only me sending her a msg about if she had time to think about details. No response. I sent her another msg today basically asking same thing, and got a "Ill definitely get ahold of you tonight.
Then the panic set in. I thought, What did I do?
Even though I know how bad things are with us right now, that I don't deserve to be going through this, I still love my wife more than anything. I just feel that she thinks that I won't sign papers out of spite. I also feel that because I do love her so much, and this is what she adamantly says she wants, I should just let her go and give what she is asking for.
As soon as I got finished with that thought, I called to see if I could get my 2nd DB coaching session today, but could not get appt. Virginia advised me in no way to have the convo about the details for just signing papers without talking to coach. I have appt for Sat and sent W back msg. to see if we could postpone talk til the end of wknd. She sent back "sure", I thanked her and said I have alot going thru my mind, need to get thoughts straight. This is our anniversary wknd, and I am having a very bad week.
