Accuray, thanks for the list of books. I actually have/read one of those books, "Too good to leave, to bad to say." I might check out the other two, but honestly, I think I've run out of enthusiasm for trying right now. I'll make a note, for later.
Yes, Zig, I am the WAW. H has never been. He is the LBS and has read DB with a positive response, at least intellectually. You're inserting a lot into my posts that isn't there, like the above, and like stating that I read the quote everyday to keep the WAS perspective fresh in my mind. What you're inserting is not true - period. It's not my opinion or perspective, it's a tangible fact. I almost feel like you're projecting, which is understandable, it happens. But I don't know how to address the invalid insertions of yours without being accused of being argumentative, so unless you ask for clarification, I just won't comment on the invalid statements.
BTW, I've read your sitch. You have a LOT going on, had a lot going on. I don't envy your sitch. It seems like you're doing a great job evaluating your contributions to the problems. I feel for you. I also feel for your H. I can see why he would just want to get away from the stress/burden. Tough road!
I did want to ask you ... do you believe there is such a thing as a "bully"? Or is the victim just not "centered, grounded and independent" enough and if they'd get their stuff together, there wouldn't be a problem?
Adinva, you asked, "why are you constantly devastated that he eats off your plate?" How was I "devastated?" Devastated is a pretty extreme reaction to me and I don't remember indicating anything more than being offended. At best, I said I'm hurt because I've specifically asked him to respect my wishes and he doesn't. I'm just curious what you are referring to when you said I was devastated by it? What did I communicate that caused you to interpret it that way?
Also, I found and read your notes on the Pia Mellody CD's on boundaries. A number of things tweaked my interest. I'll have to add that to my list. I would say I've developed some good boundaries over the years, but they definitely have holes in them. Something for me to work on for me.
I spent some time at the pool yesterday reading the book Passionate Marriage that someone suggested. I've read about a third of it, but I'm going to need to put it down for a while. It's too much about sexual R's and too much incorporating the cooperative actions of two people for me to digest right now. It's interesting, though, so I'll have to come back to it.
Originally Posted By: Needgrace
do you think that might be what is going on? you both feel unsafe and thus, no one takes the risk to love?
Yes, he has fear as well. He told me he has fear of walking in the same room as me, because he's afraid I might ask him a question like, "How have I changed in the M?" like I was charged with asking him last week. And several months ago, I asked him what he saw his role to be in this M, which he hasn't answered. These are the things he said he fears.
It has been a week since I asked H the question of how I've changed, to which he asked for time, said he'd think about it and get back to me. I asked him last night if he had come up with anything else. No, he had forgotten, hadn't thought about it at all. I wasn't surprised. Does that mean I have expectations that I shouldn't have? Perhaps expecting that he will do what he said he will do? Or perhaps expecting that he won't because that has been my experience? I don't know how to live life completely clueless so that I wouldn't have any expectations.
So how did it make me feel? Disappointed, in it being the same old same old. And somewhat sad, but in a very distant sort of way. If it rains on your picnic plans, it's still a bummer, even if you knew it was probably going to. Still some joy in hoping anyway. Maybe it's not even sadness, but the loss of that joy, of the anticipation of a pleasant surprise.
