In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[workinghardguy]

I would advance that you should script it out. Each person have their assigned role and message. It helps reduce the amount of stuff that gets made up on the fly and keeps you on message. Each have an assigned role.

Ad... I wouldn't advise just interjecting when needed. You are not a passive bystander in this. You need to say your piece and say your peace as best you can within the confines.

Lastly the message has to be all about the kids, not about you two. This is something that you two are doing but it is affecting them. Look at it through their lens. Less focus (in fact no focus is good) on the "why" and the "how" of the divorce. More on what the kids worry about:

• Where will they live?
• Where will you live? Where will dad live?
• Do I get to go to my current school?
• Do I get to stay near my friends?
• Are there major changes to my life? For example, if a child has an expensive hobby (flying for example) will there still be money to do that?
• When will they be with you?
• When will they be with dad?
• What about grandma/grandpa? Will I still see them?
• What about holidays? birthdays?

Kids are by their very nature ego-centric. They have yet to develop the capacity to see a world beyond them, though that diminishes as they grow older. You will want to tell that why and how, but those are concepts and ideas that are big and complex. Too big really and too complex for them. The major point of the conversation is to tell them what is happening, how they will be impacted, and how the two of you will work to address their needs.

If they want to know more... and they will at some point... they will ask.

There are also lots of good books out there. Books targeted at the adult giving the message as well as books for kids to read.

Lastly do research on co-parenting. That's the stance you will move to. It's tougher than it sounds because it requires both of you to put the kids and their needs first. They may be a challenge for him, and not reacting to his efforts will be a challenge for you.

My W and I scripted it out. We even rehearsed it a few times before we delivered it. I won't lie... the rehearsal was absolutely heartbreaking, but it was good. It allowed me to know where in the conversation I would become emotional and start to breakdown. I didn't want to fall apart in front of the kids when we did this. And rehearsing helped.

I will also say the actual delivery went far better than I thought it would. I had created an armageddon in my mind and it certainly wasn't that. But, I credit a lot of that to the message and our delivery of it.