I haven't got time for the pain

[tested metal]

Thanks for the posts Jack and SA!

First, I am not angry or offended and I am sorry if my post came out that way. It really has made me think.

Jack- I know what you are saying about the rules being rigid and I would expect some stumbling, I am talking about the "finished product", if their is such a thing. I also reserve the right to change my mind as circumstances arise, but for the most part I am trying to create core boundaries and rules for myself as to what I will accept and what I won't.
This is still a rough draft and work in progress.

I did think about it this morning and it came to me that right now I don't think I love the woman W is right now. I love who she used to be and the glimpses of old W that come through. As for "the rules", I realized that I need to accept and love W for who she is, not for what I want her to be or who she was.

That is hard to do due to the hurt and pain caused and lack of trust. I am willing to give it my best, all out effort, but alas it takes 2 to tango. Maybe that is me loving her. I don't know as I am again left confused.

SA- She probably is desperate and I am very sensitive and aware of possible manipulation at this point. WAW or MLC I guess it doesn't matter, I think that we both still need to figure ourselves out before going further in the relationship. Not a move back, but kinda sideways in the short view, but in the long view it is moving forward.

I am very removed at this point emotionally from W's actions as I really don't feel all that attracted to her at this point, flirting and all.

I am thinking that she really wants to be friends and wants forgivness without asking for it (not that she has to, because I have already forgiven her for the most part.. still working on it). I think she wants the relationship we had, but not to be married and I can't do that. So I will inquire about it the next time she tries to kiss me again. I don't want to poke the feral cat, but hey, this needs to be addressed.

As for when we were together, when she wanted something she would ask, beg, and plead, pretty much badger me like a 5 yr. old until I gave in. Sometimes she would use emotional blackmail with "If you really loved me you would...", which now with her UGLY side has turned into the guilt ripping "You're trying to take my D away!!!" and "You are F'ing with my life!!!"

I am not seeing this ugly side anymore, which makes me curious to what is going to come my way in the near future.

Last night, STBXW called me regarding my decision and I agreed that she is welcome to stay provided she agreed to the requests provided. She agreed and said that she expected as much regarding rent, utilities, and boundaries regarding having friends over.

She then asked me to have dinner with her and D1. I told her I had plans and she asked if I would cancel them. I then backslid and said I would go to dinner with the two, but I was paying my own way.

We had a nice dinner. D1 had a temper tantrum basically the whole time and the whole resturant pretty much laugh at it. D1 is such a drama queen. When we left STBXW stopped with D1 and I said goodbye to both of them and kissed D1 on the cheek and it looked like STBXW expected a kiss too. I did not oblige and wished her a good night.

She text me later that night with "Is nice to have a friendly relationship with you again." I did not respond.

This morning at 7 am, she calls because D1 grabbed her phone and said "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!" So I talked to D1 who kept saying "Hi Daddy!"

Anyway, I expect nothing at this point from her regarding the R and I am keeping my nose to myself and my own growth. It seems like I just see her different behavior and wonder why. I guess time will tell.