Honestly, am I really supposed to be ok with this?
JKS, you're not supposed to be ok with it, in fact you should be outraged. It's not ok in any way. The fact that his family isn't telling him this behavior is inappropriate also bothers me. It's very obviously inappropriate.
I'm sorry about the episode with your 6 year old, that would break my heart. You did the right thing -- it's not going to be in anyone's interest to try to out-gift each other. H is going to be overly doting out of guilt, and OW is going to be attentive to get the kids to like her for H's benefit.
Originally Posted By: jks
Does anyone truly believe that I should just sit around and wait anymore? Really. Be honest. Because if he's in love with her, how is that in love feeling just going to go away in a couple weeks or months? Especially since he's getting closer with her over time. Help me to see this logically. I feel like I am being played a fool and should just cut my losses now.
No one is telling you to sit around and wait. That's up to you -- if you CHOOSE to sit around and wait, then we'll support you in that choice. If you choose to move on and pursue divorce, we'll support you there too.
Standing by and watching an affair happen with your spouse is awful, and it can feel hopeless and that it will last for all eternity -- it's a punishing place to be.
We all have a line in terms of how much we can take before we have to walk away to protect ourselves emotionally. No one is going to prescribe where your line should be JKS, that's completely up to you, and you should not fear anyone's reaction if you decide to give up -- you've done more than enough already to try to save your marriage.
It keeps coming back to "what do you want?" Statistically, most relationships born from affairs burn out pretty quickly -- within a year. But that's "most", not all. Some lead to marriage. Most of those marriages then fail, but some do not. There are no guarantees about your H's path forward. He and OW may marry and be perfectly happy forever after. I can tell you that the odds don't favor it, but that's not a guarantee.
Generally when affairs start it's because your H had unmet emotional needs that OW was able to fill for him. OW may be able to fill some of his needs, while you fill others. His comments and apparent desire to cake eat support this. The unmet needs become the most important to him, but eventually he'll need all of his emotional needs met. Either she'll be able to do that for him, or she won't.
The thing is, the longer they live together, the more "real" everything gets. He now gets to see the dirty dishes in addition to the clean kitchen. He now gets to see the unbrushed hair, the temper, and the annoying mannerisms. At the same time, if everytime you see him you look good, smell good, and are upbeat, you start to be the more favorable comparison. That might work, and it might not.
I wish I could tell you that someone here has the magic book of answers that will work for you and tell you how long you'll have to wait and what you should expect, but we don't. All we can really offer is support on whatever path you choose.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
