Turn another page....

[ces67]

Hey Zig, good questions.

You're correct that I need to be at peace and I can only gain that from myself. Good reminder.

I also believe that a relationship cannot grow and flourish when lies and deciet exist. I still feel this exists in my M.

Last year, I found some notes my W had made regarding all the times she and OM had chatted online with video-chat and how W had shared with OM some info about her counseling sessions. W does not know I found these notes. What my W has represented about her R with OM was "just flirting" and fb chat (no video). In my opinion she is presenting an altered view of what really took place to minimize what really happened. To me, sharing information about a counseling session (which she has never shared with me) is a lot more that just flirting.

So when she present info that contradicts what I know, it continues to raise my suspicion. I'm considering telling her about the notes I found last year but haven't decided if that's a good idea or not.

I told her last night that I could see that I am trying to rush to someplace in our marriage that we are just not at yet and that I was working to keep it in check. It was a good, albiet brief, conversation with her.

It will all be in her time. Sometimes that just frustrates me. It gets tiring to let all this happen on her terms, her way, her schedule. At some point, I'd really like to be with a person who actually cares about me and how I feel. I would say this is part of the mental discipline of "pieceing" where I just need to be OK with myself and not hold on to these types of expectations. I do believe it will happen some day. Just can't say when "someday" will be. Sometimes, that's just hard to swallow.

I'm guessing someone will read that last paragraph and see it as whining or complaining. I wouldn't disagree. The thing is, these are all the feelings that are coming to me during this initial pieceing process and these are feelings I have to deal with. So may as well be honest about it. I aslo wonder that if these misrepresentations are not dealt with, does that make it easier for her to keep doing it rather than be honest? I see it as a boundary issue.

Overall, things are in a much better place than just a month ago. I am thankful for that. That does not take away the frustrations of a M that is less than what is should be and the need for me to deal with my own frustrations as they arise. The challenge is how I deal with them without damaging the healing process.