In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[cat04]

So, I said, I don't care if we go to that mediator or another because I will find any of them equally objectionable, since I think what he's doing is wrong.

This is a very understandable feeling and I honestly hope that you didn’t say it to him. Because it is judgemental.

You may not agree with his actions, you may not like them, you may not want them, but they are not wrong. They are based on his feelings and we are all entitled to feel whatever it is that we feel.

Using the word wrong…was the old AD, I hope.

Telling our S that they are wrong, will simply push them away further and faster.

Sometimes I have bitter words for him intended to be scathing and leave him sorry.

Sometimes I meet his new woman and laugh and say, "of course it's ok for you to have him. Please, be my guest. He's your problem now. No, scratch that.

Scratch that, yes, you don’t want to say it. It’s ok to think it though and then let it go. Trust me on this, we have all had those vengeful thoughts. Those daydreams of saying every mean thing we possibly could to hit all those nerves within them and to punish them, as we feel they have done to us.

Let them be what they are, daydreams.

When the time comes, and it will (whether you reconcile or D) that you get to say your peace, speak from a place of grace and dignity. From the place of love that you still hold in your heart (and always will I hope) for this man. NOT from anger.

Do you think I'll ever get to a place where I can calmly tell my kids "Your father and I decided...and no matter what we both will always love you"?

Honestly, yes you will get to a place where you can talk about it calmly and you will know what to say at the time. It doesn’t mean you won’t show them your remorse, but I hope you won’t have anger to show them.

And don’t EVER use the words that you used to describe your feeling here. Again those are judgemental, critical, and suggest that we are not allowed to make our own choices, however destructive they may be without being “demonized” for them.

How do I both protect my kids and resist what my H is set on doing? I know I can't stop or control him, but I don't want to make it easy for him and I don't agree that he can't help himself.

You be honest. And believe me, this won’t be as easy for him as you think. He is still a human with feelings and he is hurting even if you don’t see it or he won’t admit it.

I feel like, if H says I can't help how I feel and I say "yes I understand you can't help how you feel here let me schedule mediation for us,"

You don’t schedule the mediation. Let him do it. He wants this, let him do the work for it.

You can’t stop him from doing it, and should not be surprised if he does or doesn’t, but you don’t have to be the one who initiates it either.

We deserve better. We deserve a H and dad who gives half a crap about saving this little family we created.

Yup.

I've been waiting a year for some kind of wake up call to happen and it hasn't, because he spent the entire year not connecting with us, not participating with us, lying in bed with his iPad.


So, I do love him, and I believe I know him better than anyone, and I understand him better than I did before. If after my best efforts he needs to go, then he needs to go. But yeah, I'm angry about it right now.

What makes me feel a little better is knowing how far we were from what I needed, and how slim the chance that we'd ever get there. I need to be with someone who will hold me when I learn I might have cancer, not be out installing a computer for a woman. I need to be with someone who will comfort me when my uncle died and I was sitting alone crying, not make fun of me for it. I need to be with someone who will listen to how I want to be ML to, not get mad at me for being critical. I want to be with someone who is happy, not mad, to see me after work. I want to be with someone who builds me up, doesn't tear me down.

So yeah, I'm mad right now, that my H is not ever going to be that guy for me. I'm mad that I'm willing to work with what he can offer and be OK with it, and he's not.

The final message I want to give him right this moment isn't a loving one, it's a verbal kick in the pants as he heads out the door. I won't be so mad tomorrow, just having an emotional day.

I hope you are as mad today as you were yesterday. I hope you haven’t stuffed those feelings just yet so that you can hold it together and present the picture perfect image…

I hope you come here and vent some more, in a place where it is appropriate, where you can get it out.

I also hope that you are beginning to acknowledge that your anger isn’t all directed at your H. I hope you are recognizing that some of your anger is also at yourself. Actually most of it, IMO.

Where have you failed? Failed your H, yourself, your kids?

What is the verbal message that you want to give to yourself right now? I am willing to bet it’s about as nice as the one you want to give your H if you are really honest with yourself.

I just worry that with the flip flopping that I do, I don't really know where I really stand. I don't really know what I want. I just know that I'll be ok when I get there, where ever it is.

What DO you want and need?

And are YOU worthy of what you want and need?

Until you believe that you are, you won’t receive it from anyone. Because you won’t allow it.

A,

Some hard words and hard questions here, for a hard situation.

They come from a place of caring and concern as well as support. I hope you know that.

To steal a line from a friend...

the only way to do it, is through it. (nickle Brookie )