JG, I apologize for not being familiar with your thread. I am commenting on a couple of things I saw reading a few of your more recent posts.
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He also told me he is writing me a letter to express himself a bit more clearly. I'm a bit anxious about what he's got to say, as I felt he said more than enough in MC...and my initial thought was "Wait, there's *more*?"
Try not to be anxious. If he is expressing what he found wrong however unfair you may think it is there could be a treasure trove of insight contained there. Take what he expresses and really examine it from outside your normal perspective. Drop the normal defense we all use and try and see it from his perspective. Find the nuggets and use them to drive change.
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I can't help but feel a lot of sadness and guilt when I see how much of a struggle this is for him. I'm not saying he's struggling with being separated per se, but just the fact that he has nearly an hour commute back/forth from his work each day and how he's living with a friend and his spouse, sleeping on an air mattress...his whole routine has been uprooted. Me, I'm still living in our house, with our cats, getting by day to day. I'm actually in a much better rhythm routine-wise and am finally starting to take care of myself in ways I'd neglected for years. In other words, I think the actual physical separation has been easier on me than him. And I feel guilty because of it. Is that weird? I mean, he was the one who left...why should I feel badly for him?
Ok, maybe that doesn't sound quite right. I feel badly for him because I love him and hate seeing him miserable. Granted, he was miserable here with me, but now its like there's a new level of misery or something. I truly believe he's had depression and anger issues for a long time. I'm also hoping that IC helps him recognize that and that he learns better ways of dealing.
Over course you feel badly, but the more he struggles, the worse it gets, the easier it will be for him to see your changes, your 180s. He needs to feel the consequences of his decision. Do not point them out. Do not attempt to amplify them. Allow them to happen and do not save him from them. He needs to save himself.
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Of course, I have my issues to work through as well. Unlike H, I hold in my anger until it seeps out in passive-aggressive ways. This has been a recurring theme in our R and I'm sure led in part, to where things have landed today.
There is something to 180. How will you?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
