In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Rick, I am angry. Chris, thanks for your thoughts.

I feel like, if H says I can't help how I feel and I say "yes I understand you can't help how you feel here let me schedule mediation for us," I won't have done right by me and by my kids. We deserve better. We deserve a H and dad who gives half a crap about saving this little family we created.

I've been waiting a year for some kind of wake up call to happen and it hasn't, because he spent the entire year not connecting with us, not participating with us, lying in bed with his iPad.

So, I do love him, and I believe I know him better than anyone, and I understand him better than I did before. If after my best efforts he needs to go, then he needs to go. But yeah, I'm angry about it right now.

What makes me feel a little better is knowing how far we were from what I needed, and how slim the chance that we'd ever get there. I need to be with someone who will hold me when I learn I might have cancer, not be out installing a computer for a woman. I need to be with someone who will comfort me when my uncle died and I was sitting alone crying, not make fun of me for it. I need to be with someone who will listen to how I want to be ML to, not get mad at me for being critical. I want to be with someone who is happy, not mad, to see me after work. I want to be with someone who builds me up, doesn't tear me down.

So yeah, I'm mad right now, that my H is not ever going to be that guy for me. I'm mad that I'm willing to work with what he can offer and be OK with it, and he's not.

The final message I want to give him right this moment isn't a loving one, it's a verbal kick in the pants as he heads out the door. I won't be so mad tomorrow, just having an emotional day.

I just worry that with the flip flopping that I do, I don't really know where I really stand. I don't really know what I want. I just know that I'll be ok when I get there, where ever it is.