Tonight while eating a stir fry I made, H asked me what was the name of the lawyer I knew who was a financial planner. I told him it was a mediator and I just googled mediator and financial planner and didn't have any special affinity for this one.
In fact, I told him I had talked to that one last year because I thought he had such financial pressures regarding the house that if we talked to the financial planner we could figure out how to manage better and call the D off. I told H that back then I spent time on the phone with them and they said they don't really do that, they basically process divorcing couples. They said everyone who comes through gets divorced. So, I said, I don't care if we go to that mediator or another because I will find any of them equally objectionable, since I think what he's doing is wrong.
I managed to say all that calmly, but I felt shaken and sad when I got in the car right after that to go get dog food and more dinner for S14.
Just because I can face this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and sometimes it'll make me cry.
Then my mind was going kind of crazy with envisioning telling the kids and imagining them crying and me crying, and I remembered what 25 says, don't borrow trouble from the future. I told myself, I'm strong, I will get through and face that when it happens and not worry about it right now.
I still really don't want this, and I really don't think he's given our family a fair chance, and I don't support what he's doing. So I struggle in my mind with role playing various scenarios where we tell the kids, and each time I think I'll say something completely different. I think H will say "Your mother and I have decided" and I'll interrupt "No, you decided." OK scratch that.
Or, the kids will ask why and I'll say "I don't know but I tried everything I could," implying that their dad did not. OK scratch that.
Sometimes I have bitter words for him intended to be scathing and leave him sorry.
Sometimes I meet his new woman and laugh and say, "of course it's ok for you to have him. Please, be my guest. He's your problem now. No, scratch that.
I'm so all over the map that I realize I don't have a single way that I feel about this, and I don't have a single way to describe or explain it when the time comes for my kids. I think it's flat out wrong, cowardly, dishonorable. I think he's depressed, not thinking right, making a bad decision. I think it's pointless, unwarranted, undeserved. Do you think I'll ever get to a place where I can calmly tell my kids "Your father and I decided...and no matter what we both will always love you"?
I don't know how to get there because I want to be on record against this. I want them to know I fought for them, I want them to know I don't think it's ok. And then again, I don't want them to know that either because I don't want to hurt them more, with hatred or bad feelings for their dad.
How do I both protect my kids and resist what my H is set on doing? I know I can't stop or control him, but I don't want to make it easy for him and I don't agree that he can't help himself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
