@TG: I am a slow learner. It took me nearly 25 yrs to see it. Like my addiction to nicotine stopped decades ago. Once recognized it will be left behind. I will practice and associate with healthy people and remain aware while I learn to do other things.
Sort of tongue and cheek, but with truth. Perhaps there is a Drama Anonymous. No disrespect to my AA an NA friends.
“Hello Newcomers, my name is JustStunned and I am
An analytical driver rescuer with nice guy tendencies whose XW decided she no longer wished to play the victim for. She shifted to persecutor and tried to cast me as the victim, finding rescuers elsewhere. She is not happy and is stuck in this pattern, repeating past behaviors seeking her bliss. I (Taking my ball and going home) refuse to dance with her. I will find myself and my happiness elsewhere. Hindsight.
Guess now I am the WAS, perhaps I always was.”
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
He will be stationed at a recruiting office about 30 minutes drive from my house. There is a duality to this. On one hand I am very very happy I will have a greater chance to spend time with him and get to know his wife and my granddaughter. On the other hand I worry how they will interact with XW and if that relationship will become damaged. I am not spending much energy here at all, still it warrants mentioning. I recognize and acknowledge it is their relationship at risk.
It makes sense to me that you feel this way. The damage your xw caused affected not only you, but your children as well.
How your son chooses to deal with it will be up to him. He is entitled to his feelings and can chose whatever path he wants. I hope he looks at you and the path you have chosen.. and decides to do the same. That he sees your high road as not only the honorable option.. but the one that will bring him happiness.
I'm sure he's watching you. I'm sure he will seek your guidance.. even if he doesn't tell you.
Encourage him (but not push) to keep the relationship with his mom smooth... for his sake... and for your granddaughter's sake.
It's so awesome that he is closer though btw! Time to spoil the crap out of that grandkid pappy!!!
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
She has caused damage already. It is in their court to move forward from that. I will be a refuge should they choose to use it.
Their relationship is complex and XW has created some dependence with our DIL. In a nutshell for a time XW became a care giver including POA for DIL’s mother. She may still be. I have distanced myself from this drama and my knowledge is very limited. I am under the impression DIL rebelled against XWs control of her mother. Where that all landed is unknown and I do not wish to open that can of worms. It was one of the logs upon the camel’s back.
My relationship with my son seems intact and has grown recently. Key to that is seeing him as an Adult and encouraging his independant life. Independant from Mom and Dad. It is a relationship with DIL that concerns me. Time and patience.
Journaling: Friday night I was invited to SIL2’s house. My niece and her fiancé were visiting. It was a mini family gathering. SIL1 & SIL2 their families, me and my daughter. We laughed, played cards and drank a little. I was a designated driver so No Drink For You.
Saturday morning early found me in my flower beds digging out a couple of Hosta plants to separate into smaller clumps. I was donating them to my nephews Eagle Scout project, then on to grunt work as a volunteer at the project. It was good, we rolled up our sleeves, donned gloves and got it done.
Saturday night and into Sunday there was a wedding in XWs side of the extended family. I was not invited. I did send my well wishes and asked my daughter and SILs to express my regrets at not being able to attend. I will have a chance to interact with most of this extended family at nephew1 and nephew2’s HS graduation party. It should prove interesting and it is an opportunity for me to shine.
Please understand I come from a small family and XW’s family is vast. Over thirty years’ time they became my family. I need for me to show them I am accepting the events of the last two years with grace and honor.
I do this for me, for my peace of mind, for my honor. If they choose to associate with me going forward good, if not then they have chosen not to and I still go forward having done my best.
In about a month’s time my son and his family will be local. I have not had much of an opportunity to develop a relationship with my daughter in law. I hope to use the time we have together in the next few years to establish a rapport.
My sister had a thought about the children’s play set. My children never used it much as they were a bit older when it was built. The younger nephews and nieces played on it quite a bit. They have also out grown it. It needs a bit of rehab, but it could become my grandchild’s play set used when she visits. So I have already begun to rehab it.
This leads me to another line of thinking another fork in this road to take. To build some kind of rapport with my daughter in law I will be the very best grandpa I can be. I will avoid getting in competition with grandma, but I will make my house and yard inviting and kid friendly again. I will not do this so they will spend time. I will do this so that should they spend time they can be comfortable and relax.
I attended a seminar many years ago. Of the many ideas the speaker put forth this one stands out. “People may forget your name easily, but they are less likely to forget how you made them feel.”
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hello Stunned. I am glad you are back journaling more often, I always enjoy your posts. Your story about wearing brigher colors, etc, to get outside your comfort zone was right on, I have done the same thing, buying reds, purples, orchids, and even one pink shirt. Have garnered many comments from the women in the office, they all seem to love colored shirts! A few years ago, you would never have seen me wear these colors, but, truth be told, I like it!
Glad to hear your son is getting a duty station nearby. I stopped by our local recruiter yesterday to get some T shirts for upcoming veterans activiities, a retired Master Sergeant is running the show there on the admin side, nice guy, always sends me out of there with my hand full of water bottles, shirts, mugs etc.
Semper Fidelis Marine, keep the good posts coming!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Journaling: I spent the last couple of days in Boston for work. It is the first time I traveled in a year. It was a productive trip we accomplished our intent. The upshot of this is there will likely be more travel in my future.
Sitting at Logan waiting for my plane to board I had some downtime to just sit and think. I was surprised to feel real calm and satisfaction. It didn’t last for more than a few minutes as my plane began to board and I needed to focus upon the mundane aspects of getting home. Still it was real and I’ll make time to reproduce it this weekend.
Back in the office today reading a few threads at lunch I decided to review my book marked threads and many of the posts in this one spoke to me. Perhaps you will find something here also.
Journaling: As with all things there is good and bad. It is a matter of perspective. How we chose to act and comport ourselves is most important.
This weekend I stayed local getting yard work at the three houses accomplished. Still waiting for notification from the court system about when and where to begin paying support is causing me to put various projects on hold. To keep busy I purchased a pole pruner and have begun to trim more branches out of nearby trees and clear underbrush near the houses. Gotta keep the poison ivy and tick habitat minimized. Sometimes I feel as if I am living in a husqvarna commercial.
Memorial Day I attended a sunrise memorial service in my hometown and took dinner to mom. I grilled a little bit so we made a picnic of it staying indoors because of the heat. Mom has good and bad days, mostly good although we have begun to notice a little sun downing. There is no diagnosis of dementia and I think it is normal for her as she becomes tired, heck I can be a little altered at the end of a long hectic day
Late Monday I spoke with my son. He inquired if he could stay at my house while they find a place to live and get moved in. Of course I said yes. (Happy Dance) We’ll have to get the dogs acquainted and plan the mechanics of their move. In the mean time it is time to clean like a fiend. My granddaughter will be living with me and even though it is likely to only be for a few days to weeks I will ensure a baby friendly environment.
I am fighting an urge to gloat that they are not moving into XWs place. Mostly I have been successful at that. Although I did do a little happy dance after I got off the phone with him. This is an opportunity and I will not tarnish it with avarice about their presence. Discipline JS, discipline. Temper your actions to the situation.
It’ll be difficult not to break into celebrations when they arrive. I need to keep this under the radar until after they’ve arrived and are settled. Then I need to be simply supportive. I will celebrate a good relationship with my kids and their families. I will not engage in pouting and name calling.
This morning I called the county agency administering my support payments. It seems some mistakes were made when the documents transferred from the domestic court to their offices. It seems I was already late for a prorated April support payment and they added a penalty. I owed for May and if I wished to avoid another penalty I needed to provide the payment in cash prior to 10:30 AM today. They were missing contact information for me so they were about to notify the domestic court I was in arrears and have the court notify me. There is no point in assigning fault. That would become a cheeseless hole. I left work, visited the bank, and paid the agency the amount required. While I was there I spoke with a representative and hopefully have provided all of the additional information they needed. They even had an incorrect address for my employer.
I am not a saint, there was some gnashing of teeth during the drive from my office to the bank and I have a difficult time understanding the agency does not have a privacy policy, but I am taking satisfaction in proactively heading this off before it became a crisis. There will be a call to my L this afternoon to determine the status of the remaining documentation.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Oh boy, so glad your son and his family will be staying with you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
It's a pretty easy concept.. if you want to receive love, you give love...
..yet it can be so challenging at times. Way to rise above it. Stumbling can happen, but you have not fallen. Kudos my friend.
I'd imagine that the gloating comes from a place of hurt. I know the times I want to hurt my w is because I am hurting first.
It's hard to fight at times.. even harder to do the reverse of what you want to do. But you must. We never know how our kind actions will affect others. We never know how they will affect ourselves.
I have no doubt that when your son comes, you will not gloat or pout. You will be happy and think of him first.
You will do this because you are challenging yourself to grow.
You will do this because you love him.
P.S. I wasn't on the boards yesterday, but thank you for your service!
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Journaling: This weekend was a bit overwhelming. Both nephews HS commencement ceremonies occurred this weekend.
Saturday, I rode with my daughter to nephew2’s commencement. It was held outside in the athletic stadium. We were a little late arriving and caught up to the rest of the family seated in the stands just as the ceremony began. Afterward 17 of us gathered at a local restaurant for a late lunch and to congratulate nephew2. Later in the evening 15 of us took over a row of seats in the theater and watched the new MIB movie, gathering outside afterward to visit and look over nephew2’s Eagle Scout project. All of the plans I had for the day were set aside to spend it with family.
SIL3 flew in to visit for the week and while we were at the little city park nephew2 rehabilitated she was watching me closely and eavesdropping on the conversation I was having with MIL and FIL. MIL expressed her frustration about how the family dynamics have changed in the preceding two years. She was critical of her daughter and her decision. This is the first time she expressed this directly to me. I was careful to stay neutral and validated her feelings. I did not join her in expressing critical comments about XW.
There is nothing constructive to be gained from bashing XW. I have no ego here left to assuage and bashing only raises the drama level negatively, damaging the hard fought relationships I have with the family. Bearing, 2nd General Order for Sentries, Sandi’s rules 6, 7, 12 ,13,14,7,18,19,37 subject to my interpretation.
Sunday I went to SIL1’s house for a late breakfast and to gather for Nephew1’s ceremony. His was held indoors with limited attendance tickets. There was no room at the inn for me. I joined the little crew trashing, err decorating his jeep with congratulatory remarks and balloons. We then watched the live stream of the ceremony at SIL1’s house. Afterward we gathered for a meal and more visiting.
During the meal on Sunday and for a time afterward I rode the rollercoaster. So I excused myself leaving shortly after MIL and FIL.
Emotionally drained I began to speculate how the day would have progressed if the drama of the last two years had not happened. This speculation only served to make me feel badly about my circumstances. I believe I left before it became evident and a few hours later feeling better I returned for a few minutes with my dog for niece3 to see.
XW was present during most of Saturday’s events. We did not interact. There were a few brief initial moments Saturday in the stands when I was acutely aware of her presence and effort was expended to maintain my resolve to maintain a positive relationship with the extended family. I am a role model for my nieces and nephews. It is a responsibility I understand.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
