Hey Tad, I just wanted to say that for some reason, it's very hard for us to get our hearts to accept what has happened. I mean our heads accept it. These people started flipping out all over the place, and make absolutely no sense! Their actions are plain as day, there's no denying that. It's like being in a nightmare, knowing your in a nightmare, and can't wake up!
You've been severly emotionally traumatized Tad. It's the emotional trauma that needs tending to and worked on before you can really start building up some more self esteem and in turn be able to detatch easier. I've been there, and still tend to go there from time to time. When coming to terms with the emotional trauma that's happened, then things like detatching, and finding other iterests just come naturally. However without working through the emotional trauma it's like tyring to shove a sqaure peg in a round hole. It's like you're forcing yourself to do all these things but it just doesn't feel right and you're still miserable.
I guess what helps me when I start to emotionally backslide is to really take the time to focus on how Xh is NOW. What his actions say to me NOW. But it's taken several interactions with him and several times for me to go back to the reality of what he's choosing to do now in order for me to start having my head and heart in the same place. And I've fought that too. It's extrememly difficult to truly accept that our spouses are now capable of these horrible acts of cruelty.....but they are.
About counseling...yes you were going to save your marriage.But one thing I feel stronly about, is that you have to save yourself first before you can save your marriage or help save anyone else for that matter. I had read on Hero's Spouse that traditional marriage counseling or any sort of marriage counseling book can't help the marriage hit by MLC, because there's just no getting through to the MLCer. I went to IC just 3 times through my employee Assistance Program. I got to see a counselor that was especially trained in emotional trauma. She helped me a great deal, and I wish I could've afforded to see her several more times, but I couldn't. She was able to point me in the direction that I needed to be in order to start saving myself, not my marriage.
At any rate Tad, I understand how miserable this is because we still share the children with these ex spouses. I know for me to have a quicker recovery from this, absolutely no contact would be the ideal solution. But unfortuneatly that's not going to happen, and it sounds like that's the same sitch you have too. So guess what? It's just going to be harder for us and take us a little longer.
What Snodderly says is true...it's hard to imagine them going through all that when they act like nothing is wrong. But just allowing time to pass and remembering small details, well it always comes out in the end. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves is what I always say.
My Xh glared at the guy that was working the yard a few weeks ago when he picked up the girls. I was so embarassed when the guy told me about it. XH didn't say a word to me, and Im sure he knows if he did I would most definately have a response for him that he would not like. First thing I thought was " you gotta be kidding me! I have to hire someone to do the job XH would promise to do, always find a way to get out of it, now the job is not his and now he's acting territorial?"
I hope you would consider getting back into counseling Tad. Don't go through this alone. Find a counselor that specializes in emotional trauma, not someone that's going to bash you over the head about the divorce being the best option (even though I think it's a blessing that woman is away from you)and actually support all the Divorce Trap Myth's that Michelle Talks about in her book. Find someone that will help you heal you.
