I'm in incredible need of advice and support. My wife of 9 years told me "I love you" on the morning of May 10 and then that afternoon told me that she wanted to separate and was moving out. I was devastated, because I had been asking what was wrong and she just said nothing and that she was tired. I begged her to go to counseling, and she refused. I went anyway and the councilor assured me that she was just over worked, over stressed and like a pressure cooker ready to blow unless she let off some steam. The Councilor told me to back off, give her some space and suggest my wife make an appointment at her convenience. I did just that. Amazingly my wife made her own appointment to go see this councilor on Thursday, and txted me at 230 that day saying she would be joining me at my appointment the next day. I was ecstatic. I showed up to my appointment, my wife walked in 5 minutes later, sat down, and then proceeded to tell me she was moving forward with her plan and pursuing a divorce. She and the Councilor then continued to try to convince me for the next 45 minutes that I should have "seen the signs" and that it was over. I need to MOVE ON. I was/am devastated. My wife gave me the "it's not you it's Me" speech. Told me that she thinks that I'm amazing dad, and man but she can't give me what I deserve. She loved me once, but doesn't anymore. Not sure how she can think that this will be better for our two boys (8 and 5) in the long run. She admitted that for the last several years with a few rare exceptions, she had just been going through the motions, hoping the changes that I was being asked to make personally would change the way she felt about me. They didn't. I've read and RE-read the DR over the last week. But I'm lost.
I'm Praying every day that God shows me the path and Lightens her heavy heart. I've been doing the last resort tactic, but I have no idea if it's working or not. I'm lost and I need help. I Love her with all my heart and I was under the impression that beyond some intimacy issues (she rarely wanted to have sex) that things were fine with us. I've read book after book on how to better myself or our marriage, but she would choose to Re-read Twilight for the third time than to read the book I had suggested.
I'm at a complete loss. She moves out with our two boys on Friday June 1. We will continue to interact because of the boys, but she says she just wants to be "my Friend." It's killing me.
I suppose that I should post some of our history as well. I'm currently 40 and she is 31. We Met almost 14 years ago and dated off and on for a few years. I messed up and kept another relationship going on the side even after she moved in. She found out and moved out of our home. I went to see her one evening to talk, and we ended up pregnant. 3 months later we decided to get married *(it's because of this she says our foundation is cracked and therefore the marriage was doomed to fail, I completely disagree). Because of some very selfish reasons, I was still seeing the other woman, and my wife moved out again one day while I was at the fire station. Came home to an empty house. I got blind drunk, called up the "other" and she ended up pregnant. I now have a daughter that I only get to see once every 2 months because I chose to work things out with my wife. Which we did and she moved back home shortly after the birth of my first son. Things were rocky for a while and we went extended periods of time without any physical intimacy. At one point after not having sex for 6 months we ended up pregnant with my second son. It was at this time (5 years ago)that because I was so lonely and needed an ego boost that I posted my profile to an online adult site. Not in an effort to get sex (I had learned that lesson) but just to have someone tell me that I was desirable. To be flattered. My wife found the profile and moved into the Guest room. She moved back about 2 weeks later because our son was starting to ask questions. It was after that, that I went back to my faith. Completely quit with all the online stuff, and made the changes that she asked me to make. Unfortunately, she thought that the changes that I made in myself would effect the way that she felt about me. It didn't change. So she has been acting the "good wife" for the last 4 years with a few exceptions, but she has told me that she is done hoping that she would feel differently and wants to close this chapter and start a new one. God knows and I know that I've made mistakes in my life and in our marriage, but I learned from them and am a completely different person now, to my wife's admittance. I know she had every right to divorce and leave me 9 years ago, but I thought we were past that. Apparently, I was, she wasn't.
I have no idea what to do. I know in my heart that our relationship suffered because we never dealt with the pain and betrayal she felt, and because life got in the way of US. We never made time for just her and I to work on OUR relationship. MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED. I also know in my heart that if she would just give it a chance we could make this work and remind her that she does still love me, it's just been lost. I just don't know how to get her there.
I'm currently on a vacation that we had planned and paid for long before all this happened with another family from our church. I was told by my wife that I was welcome to come as long as I understood that we would sleep in separate rooms and that it would change nothing. She Left a day early though so she could go back and pack without the kids under her feet.
She still does nice things for me on occasion (bring me coffee, give me money cause she thinks I'm broke, allowed me to come on vacation, touched me casually during a conversation like she used to). So I know my wife is in there somewhere, but I catch her lost in thought or gazing into the distance "zoned out" when she thinks I'm not looking. When she knows I'm looking, she smiles at me sweetly. I just need to know how to get her to come back out.
Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. thank you for your time and efforts in this matter. be good and stay safe...
