I used to think about all the things I would say to my wife if she ever asked. If she ever said she was sorry. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't know that I'll ever be able to say how I really feel about her comment - "I deserve to be happy and I'm not getting any younger."

I guess that's how I know I'll be okay. Or at least it's what I use to fuel my energy towards better thoughts and actions. I can be happy if I choose to be. I can sit and enjoy the sound of the wind through the trees, but she will always be miserable as long as she keeps believing she can meet a false sense of expectations.

I can say here that I'm not a bad person, but what's the point since we are all good people here. Bad people don't look for help or offer their hearts to strangers. So it goes without saying that I will struggle more each day with how the in-laws will view me. I'm closer to them than my own family and as complications will arise once my wife leaves and I offer them nothing for information, I'm sure I will be perceived as being not so nice.

It's another thing that does make me unhappy. The thought that everyone thinks I'm angry all the time. I don't yell or raise my voice. I don't sulk or mope, but I'm constantly treated with kid gloves and it drives me batty. The worst is in regards to my son's friends dad - the EA. My wife is turning into a BFF with his mother-in-law and it's like a double whammy against me. It's like, because his divorce is going along bitterly and his soon-to-be XW is raking him through hot coals, I must be doing the same for my W because she can't stand to be around me.

Even my son starts off conversations with "Don't be mad" or "I know what you mean about OM". What the heck is talking about?! I got tired of him asking me to come over to OM's house and told my son that I was not comfortable around the OM and that's just how it will be for a while. I'm not angry, but I'm not interested in spending time at OM's house.

I'm not "as bent out of shape" as I used to be about my W spending so much time over there. He offers her nothing but misery to match her misery. If it's a sense of value that she's looking for, I'm curious what she will find when the honeymoon is over. When she sees that the OM is actually hard work because of his baggage. His wife is hell bent on making his life miserable and she hates my W even more. I'm sure my W will eventually grow tired of it when she realizes she doesn't have to share in the misery, even if that's a long ways down the road. That sounds vindictive of me, but I'm not going to celebrate the EA either.

I'm scared that I will not have the resolve to forge ahead through this if she doesn't leave and I'm bent badly over how a seperation will impact my kids.

I guess that's why I came back here to the forums. Just like everyone else, I want to talk and I want to read and be informed. I feel more in control of myself than I ever had before, but there's still so much more work to do. Still so much to absorb.