That's a hard question for me to answer. I had to think about it.
I think there's like a little ember of love I have for him that I'm keeping alive. I am willing myself through this period where he's being absolutely the worst husband and I am trying to hold onto my love/vows/commitment to him while I think there's a chance of salvaging our marriage and family. This is what enables me to be vulnerable to him, to try to establish connections, to forgive potentially anything and everything. I worry sometimes that after he sees the grass is not greener he might want to come back and I'll have lost that ember and not be able to love him anymore. But I keep it now as an unconditional fact, in case things change and he becomes interested again.
That I believe will change when the marriage ends. We'll still coparent, we'll still see each other at family gatherings, but I believe I will release that ember and close my heart to him so I don't feel hurt by his rejection.
I don't know how to explain that in more concrete terms. Does it make sense to you? Does it get at what you were asking?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
