you both bring up valid points and my frustration is with having the answer sheet to the test, but not knowing if the answers are all in order. I've seen it mentioned, I think by Jack, that they tend to follow a script on their way into MLC. Once there, there are similarities, but the stories all seem to have a different course. I think I'm just trying to add logic where there is no logic.....

My wife was a very giving, caring person for as long as I'd known her. She still loves her kids and "seems" to enjoy spending time with them, but given the chance, she's out the door or doesn't come home after work till the kids are in bed. She doesn't try to manipulate my emotions, I don't think. She will call or text me if she will not be home - but only because she didn't like my answers when the kids would ask me:

"I have no idea where your mom is. She's a grown woman and can take care of herself."

She didn't like that I said this because the kids paniced to her. I asked her if she would rather I tell them she's at the grocery store for 5 hours or tell them the truth, that I really don't know where she is or what she's doing? I've not asked my wife what she does or where she goes for the past 2 years. It's a struggle to not look like I'm invading her privacy or acting like I don't care about her and she was right all along or whatever.....

I can't ask her to leave for two reasons. First, the kids, I can't be there for them financially or emotionally if their living under a different roof. They are the only reason I will cry. They are the only reason I'm frustrated with my wife for accepting her reality as truth and not question that truth when everyone closest to her has told her she needs help. My wife is a very strong woman, but I see her stubborness as her downfall in all of this.

The second reason for not asking her to leave, as I had mentioned, I've read a lot of material and I accept that there is no one right way to do everything. What rings most true for me, though; is that she's going through this and I can't just abandon her. I don't think I have a problem letting go, so much as I don't want to do the leg work for her. My wife and I are not hostile to each other, but we're not loving either. It's not healthy for the kids, but what about this whole situation is? The only way my lovely stubborn wife has "ever" seen the error of her decisions, is by me allowing her decisions to bear fruit.

A simple example would be when one of my kids had a game to get too. My wife wanted to stop at the mall right quick on the way because she thought we had time. I disagreed with this assessment, but knew that I would be the bad guy if we didn't at least try to go since it's what she wanted. Sure enough, we got held up and my son was late. I wasn't angry and I didn't press the issue, but she knew she made a bad decision and felt bad that our son was late. Lesson learned.

I feel that if I force my wife to make a decision, I'm not giving her the benefit of taking ownership of her decisions. She blames me for her misery, so why give her more fuel?

I don't like living like this, but I'm not eyeballing women or looking for a replacement. I'm not bitter, I just know there's more work to be done with me, that I have to clean my own house.

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BM - you bring up a fine point about the possibility of my wife waiting out the OM's divorce. My therapist, whom I don't like anyway, presses the same thought. I'm not saying I don't like you for suggesting that, I'm just saying that I'm not fond of my therapist and she keeps pushing my thoughts towards my wife having a PA. I keep going to to her because she offers a different avenue of thought than what I'm thinking and hearing someone constantly pushing the PA button seems to be helping me cope with the possible reality of that. Kind of like, the more you hear it, the less it hurts.

But as to your point about her waiting on the other guy's divorce. I welcome it. My wife needs to experience the full brunt of her decisions if she is ever to see her error. We live in a cottage home, not large by any means, but my kids constantly verbalize their fear that we would have to move into a smaller house. My wife's EA lives in a house half the size of ours and there's barely enough room for when his own two kids come over. Speaking of kids, my oldest son "HATES" his friends younger sister. And I mean "HATES" her. I'm not a doctor, but she looks/acts bi-polar to me and even I can't stand being around her - when I used to be around her. My son would make life very difficult for his mother if she chose his friends dad.

I've also read from women who've gone through MLC saying that they searched for value and self-worth and that in the end, their husbands staying strong and being there for them was important for them when they started their way out of the tunnel. I know that doesn't mean we have to be together for this to happen, but I do sense my wife's struggle to find self-worth ( i.e.; brest job & younger wardrobe ). I can't shake the feeling that if I force her to leave, she will fall further into the tunnel by my own hand and she will cling even harder to the thought that I'm the source of all that causes her discomfort.

I like to think I've come to terms with the idea that I'm greatful for this experience. I'm still coming to grips with the idea that my marriage will not survive this, but at the very least I can say that I like who I've become and that I really wasn't happy with who I was in the beginning.

Maybe I've detached enough, but I won't know for certain until the paperwork starts its filing process. I do know that I don't want to be around someone who treats me like a fifth class citizen. I'll struggle financially, but I'll be okay. My kids are the source of my heart break.