For about the past year H stopped going on our trips and participating when they came over. My mom takes everything personally so she started commenting that he didn't like her (how could I say it's not you mom, it's me). He comes around to eat when they're over but he mostly avoids them.
He is aware that they do not know our sitch. Reconciliation would be a lot more complicated if they knew, since they would likely hold it against him. Also, since my mom's mind gets in a rut sometimes, I would hear about it over and over and over.... I plan to tell them when we've told the kids.
Nobody in my family, except for my sister, know about my sitch either. My mom is a bit like yours, would take everything personal...stress out about it, would not be able to sleep, and I probably wouldn't get to hear the end of it. My mom is a fixer (but certainly not one to look at things objectively). She's the oldest of 5 and has always had to take care of everyone. She's more concerned about making sure everyone else is ok, but doesn't really see the crappy situation she's in herself. Luckily, my parents live very far away and haven't had any face to face contact since last year. I do have to "act as if" every Sunday when I talk to her on the phone when she asks if everything is ok (and she does ask every time).
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My issue with this weekend, NH and Say, and thanks for supporting me!, is mainly that I couldn't act more upbeat and like I had a fun life going on. Not hugging them was out of our usual routine, so I was noticeably colder to them and they would have noticed that. I haven't decided yet if I want to 'act as if' with them or if I want to put some distance between us. No, I really want to put some distance, to show them I disapprove and dislike what they're doing.
I think that you continuing to focus on your parents while your H and his friends were there, and not going out of your way and acting too friendly was absolutely fine, even if it's out of your norm. You acknowledged them and were cordial, that's all you need to do. Don't worry about them possibly thinking that you were cold or unfriendly.
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H's friend is the king of 'well you can't help how you feel.' And he has slept with wives of his colleagues. And he treats his 24yo gf like a passing plaything - he knows she'll eventually want someone her own age and get married and have kids, but he'll keep her until then. And of course, they are all too welcoming to H when he wants to avoid his family and responsibilities.
It's unfortunate that your H thinks that his friend's beliefs and actions are acceptable, but it makes a lot of sense why he's seeking "refuge" at his place. He's looking for someone who "understands". I think remaining cordial with friends, but keeping them at a distance is not a bad thing to do. I think you did great by declining some of your H or his friend's invitations for things that you were not comfortable with.
