When it's a one-way street...part 6

[Accuray]

CV,

I like what you wrote, it's very genuine and honest, and I "get it". Honestly previously I was seeing the anger and frustration without the pain and fear, and it's the pain and fear that make so much of your sitch make sense.

My MC, as you know, told me that my W doesn't feel safe in our marriage either. How am I to feel about that? What am I doing exactly to make her situation unsafe? When you think about someone feeling unsafe, I think you right away assume they are the victim of abuse -- but I don't abuse my W, so why does she feel unsafe? In my case, it was a combination of her innate feelings of inadequacy, coupled with my expectations, both real and imagined, that lead her to believe that nothing she could do would be good enough, and therefore she just doesn't try.

I honestly believe your H doesn't feel safe either, so you are on two sides of the same issue.

I obviously don't have answers for you, the problem is not easily solved.

I can tell you that I ran across an author who kind of specializes in this "unsafe" dynamic and maybe her books can help.

The author is Mira Kirshenbaum and two of the books that might be worth a read are:

"I love you but I don't trust you"
"Too good to leave, too bad to stay"
and
"Our love is too good to feel so bad"

Maybe check those out, see if any resonate with you, and if there is any guidance there that may be of value.

Accuray