Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[whitneypinch]

Tad I feel for you my friend !!!

Thank you for really being open and honest of your feelings and venting here.
I watch the reply posts you get for advice and it helps me too.

I will say this to you. Remove her from your friend list on FB and close all comments of your mutual friends so that you don't see ANY postings about her.
Better yet close your FB account down at least for a year until things settle down.

My XW is a marketing person in the technology industry so post bomb I was seeing and hearing about everything she was doing. I closed down all of my social media accounts and it helped immensely.
I am often tempted to Google her as now she is on TV on a regular basis. I know enough not to do it as it's too painful.

Try to remove as many of the opportunities for a negative experience as you can from the situation.

I am with you 100% Tad that we don't have a clue who our Xs have become. Complete opposite to the person we married !

I too am dumbfounded how they act like nothing has happened when they are around us.
On occasion I will get an email after the weekend I have the kids saying "I hope you had a fun time with the kiddies this weekend".
Sometimes I get an email after the weekend I don't have the kids saying "I hope you had a nice weekend".
It makes my blood boil. Sure it sounds all nice but it triggers me.
Does she not realize I am devastated on the weekends that I am not with my kids?
Nope she does not realize anything. In fact she probably has a great time on the weekends she does not have the kids !

Sorry for my little rant..

Hang in there buddy as tomorrow may be a better day..

[AntoniaB]

You are still entirely wrapped up in what she is doing/analyzing her moves/motives/etc.

I don't know if you have blocked her on FB but if not, that's a huge source of the problem. In addition, people around you need to stop informing you of what she does. You can't handle it. You go very far south when you hear anything.

You are living your life with the hope that somehow she will come out of her MLC problem and fix everything. But she has been so vile to you, you shouldn't want her to fix things. The idea that you want her to fix things/set your world right despite the fact that she has brought so much abuse onto you says one thing: it says that for some reason, you value yourself very little, that you would be willing to take the abuse to be with her.

Why???

I'd put some energy into exploring why you'd allow a relationship that was so destructive inot your life as opposed to just being "single."

There is nothing wrong with being single. Tons of people thrive this way.

[BeingMe]

[I'm not so sure. She has said all along that she feels no guilt at all. She was entitled to this and did this for her.]

Words, only words spoken by someone who flip-flopped on her M, vows, family, future dreams, etc. Can you believe anything she says?

[job]

Tad,
One of the things that I learned is that as long as you allow the mlcer to mistreat you, they will. Why does she put stuff out on FB the way she does? She knows that someone will tell you about it. It doesn't matter that she's left you in the dust...she's going to continue to chip away at you until she's satisfied w/her work. Mlcers are like children and they feel jealous, resentful and yes, even are bullies throughout mlc. They do not like the fact that we are strong, independent and happy people. If they are miserable, they want us to be right along w/them. When she senses that you are starting to live your life just a little bit, that's when she slams you again and you go down the hill in a tumble.

Tad, the slamming of the spouses is all part of the mlc and it doesn't matter that she is out in the world or living w/you. She knows deep down that you are still waiting in the wings for her and she is going to do her best to cut you out of her life no matter what it takes. This slamming is one of the ways that they do it. You are the only one that can stop the insanity that she is throwing at you. How? By not reading what she puts on FB and requesting that your friends not share that information w/you. They may think that they are helping you, but they aren't.

Tad, you are going to have to develop a thicker skin in order to deal w/her antics. Life is precious and far too short...leave her twirling in the wind and enjoy your time w/your children and your new job. Your childen are the most important people in your life right now. Turn your focus off your wife and put that focus back on your children, you and your job. I know that you can do this if you make up your mind to do so.

[back56]

Tad,

I don't leave posts myself very often, but I read the majority of the posts especially the ones focused on MLC. They have been very helpful for me. I am 2 years post bomb, and 9 months into a physical separation. I have certainly experienced all of the emotions you describe here in your thread. I could not agree more with Snodderly's first line in the post above. The hurt is there because you are still allowing it to sting you. (I know this is a process and takes time) You can be in charge of how your spouse affects you, or you can be a victim. And the beauty of a decision to rise above the fray with dignity and grace is first for your own integrity, but the secondary gain, and it is huge, is to be a shining example to your children. This really is an opportunity of a life time.

Don't spend another nanosecond fueling her fire. For some reason the image of a bonfire has been the mental image that has worked for me. Fires requires a few ingredients. They blaze away splendidly when all ingredients are available, but take away just one of those requirements and the flames smoulder and die out. She has, in her mind, this exciting fire blazing in her new life, and every time you react to her, you fan her fire. Whether she knows it or not. This again is about you, not her. Take the oxygen away from her fire Tad and let her deal with the cold coals. You can do this through all of the suggestions above. It is very bad form, for her to pronounce to the world how wonderful her life is on face book at this time. Who does she need to convince of this "truth". I suspect she needs to do this to convince herself. (this all comes from the context that I am not a face book fan and believe it to be on the self serving side)

You will never ever regret taking the high road with your responses to her. Focus on the qualities of dignity and grace and integrity for yourself and you will be amazed at how strength and resolve and peace will emerge as a result. You can do this.

Best,

[Kimmerz]

Hey Tad,
I just wanted to say that for some reason, it's very hard for us to get our hearts to accept what has happened. I mean our heads accept it. These people started flipping out all over the place, and make absolutely no sense! Their actions are plain as day, there's no denying that. It's like being in a nightmare, knowing your in a nightmare, and can't wake up!

You've been severly emotionally traumatized Tad. It's the emotional trauma that needs tending to and worked on before you can really start building up some more self esteem and in turn be able to detatch easier. I've been there, and still tend to go there from time to time. When coming to terms with the emotional trauma that's happened, then things like detatching, and finding other iterests just come naturally. However without working through the emotional trauma it's like tyring to shove a sqaure peg in a round hole. It's like you're forcing yourself to do all these things but it just doesn't feel right and you're still miserable.

I guess what helps me when I start to emotionally backslide is to really take the time to focus on how Xh is NOW. What his actions say to me NOW. But it's taken several interactions with him and several times for me to go back to the reality of what he's choosing to do now in order for me to start having my head and heart in the same place. And I've fought that too. It's extrememly difficult to truly accept that our spouses are now capable of these horrible acts of cruelty.....but they are.

About counseling...yes you were going to save your marriage.But one thing I feel stronly about, is that you have to save yourself first before you can save your marriage or help save anyone else for that matter. I had read on Hero's Spouse that traditional marriage counseling or any sort of marriage counseling book can't help the marriage hit by MLC, because there's just no getting through to the MLCer. I went to IC just 3 times through my employee Assistance Program. I got to see a counselor that was especially trained in emotional trauma. She helped me a great deal, and I wish I could've afforded to see her several more times, but I couldn't. She was able to point me in the direction that I needed to be in order to start saving myself, not my marriage.

At any rate Tad, I understand how miserable this is because we still share the children with these ex spouses. I know for me to have a quicker recovery from this, absolutely no contact would be the ideal solution. But unfortuneatly that's not going to happen, and it sounds like that's the same sitch you have too. So guess what? It's just going to be harder for us and take us a little longer.

What Snodderly says is true...it's hard to imagine them going through all that when they act like nothing is wrong. But just allowing time to pass and remembering small details, well it always comes out in the end. Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves is what I always say.

My Xh glared at the guy that was working the yard a few weeks ago when he picked up the girls. I was so embarassed when the guy told me about it. XH didn't say a word to me, and Im sure he knows if he did I would most definately have a response for him that he would not like. First thing I thought was " you gotta be kidding me! I have to hire someone to do the job XH would promise to do, always find a way to get out of it, now the job is not his and now he's acting territorial?"

I hope you would consider getting back into counseling Tad. Don't go through this alone. Find a counselor that specializes in emotional trauma, not someone that's going to bash you over the head about the divorce being the best option (even though I think it's a blessing that woman is away from you)and actually support all the Divorce Trap Myth's that Michelle Talks about in her book. Find someone that will help you heal you.

Take Care.

[AJM]

Hey Tad! Good to hear from you again.

I think much good advice has been given here so I won't repeat it all. But one thing that sticks out: do you really think FB is the way to profess your love and happiness? Ha. I doubt it.

Can I tell you something Tad? I know my ex is about to get remarried. She can't wait (sic). Why do I know? Because it affects my kids. My son has been "off" lately and now I know why. My daughter wants to talk to me via her counselor (she hasn't spoken to me except to spew in over a year). Now I know why.

Know what? I'm secretly happy for her. I'm happier for me and my kids. Know what else? She recently told me how she is angry at me that I kept the house. LOL. Happy? If that's her idea of happiness, I'm even more glad she's gone than before. I can't live like that and won't.

In your case Tad, you don't know she's happy. Maybe she is and maybe she is trying to hurt you. Maybe it's part of the fuelling the fire. A child like way to get your attention. Don't let it bother you, Tad. You wouldn't be happy with her as it is, so let her go. Focus back on what matters - you.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Just thought I would come and respond to some of the comments.

Thank you for really being open and honest of your feelings and venting here.

Just writing what I feel. This forum has helped a lot.

I will say this to you. Remove her from your friend list on FB and close all comments of your mutual friends so that you don't see ANY postings about her.

I'm actually blocked. I can't see her page and she can't see mine. I had just heard about her posting from a friend.

You are living your life with the hope that somehow she will come out of her MLC problem and fix everything. But she has been so vile to you, you shouldn't want her to fix things. The idea that you want her to fix things/set your world right despite the fact that she has brought so much abuse onto you says one thing: it says that for some reason, you value yourself very little, that you would be willing to take the abuse to be with her.

I don't know. I guess what I am looking for is some kind of acknowledgement that what she did was wrong or maybe that she really is going through something. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't MLC and she really was miserable, BUT she'll do or say something that totally convinces me that it is.

Mlcers are like children and they feel jealous, resentful and yes, even are bullies throughout mlc. They do not like the fact that we are strong, independent and happy people. If they are miserable, they want us to be right along w/them.

But why be jealous of someone that she no longer has feelings for?

I had read on Hero's Spouse that traditional marriage counseling or any sort of marriage counseling book can't help the marriage hit by MLC, because there's just no getting through to the MLCer.

Very true because IF you are lucky enough to even get them to go, they've already checked out. My X told the counselor that she wasn't coming back after just three sessions. Then, just a few months ago, blamed me for cancelling the sessions.

In your case Tad, you don't know she's happy. Maybe she is and maybe she is trying to hurt you. Maybe it's part of the fuelling the fire. A child like way to get your attention. Don't let it bother you, Tad. You wouldn't be happy with her as it is, so let her go. Focus back on what matters - you.

You're right AJ. As Kimmerz has said, it is probably a blessing that she is out of my life right now.

Update:

This past Saturday she sent a text saying that she is enrolling S17 in an online summer school to make up for credits that he lost when allof this went down. I said ok.

Ten minutes later, I get a text wanting to know the name of the hospital that I live by. I told her.

A few minutes later, I get a text from her wanting my email address and I gave it to her. (She already knew it.)

Then I get a text asking for my physical address. She knew that already too. If she didn't, she could have got it from paperwork or from S17 who was with her.

About an hour later, I got a text stating that she will email or text the online school info to me on Monday. It is now Wednesday evening and not a word from her yet.

Tad

[dl443322]

And you are still so surprised......

Why is that?

The cuckoo is still out of the clock, Tad. She's craaazzzzyyyy
right now.

Just keep living your life and dont try to figure her out. It will send YOU crazy, too.

[TSquared2]

About an hour later, I got a text stating that she will email or text the online school info to me on Monday. It is now Wednesday evening and not a word from her yet.

FWIW, my W went through these "bursts" of trying to do what she knew she should be doing, "proving" she was a responsible person, etc...then she would forget, or it became too much work or hassle, or she got distracted by something shiny, ...who knows...

Tad, she is in an alternate reality atm, which rarely intersects with our reality...this is Twilight Zone land...



T^2