thanks truegritter - your post is very helpful. i am definitely more to where you are describing than i ever was before. starting to see h in a new light , so to speak
Doing your own work and letting go of getting your spouse back as the only successful outcome.
when you reach this, that's when the peace suddenly starts, isn't it? at least that's what i feel.
From that place you are able to look honestly at your spouse and ask yourself the question whether it is healthy for you to be with them at this point in time...
is it time to celebrate a little when we reach this place - like have a party:) i realize suddenly that it is a perfectly okay question to ask myself now. before i couldn't, because i wasn't in a healthy enough place to see where he was - now i am:) Then... you ask yourself what would I need to see if I were to accept this person back in my life given who I have become?
That is a good day.
AND it can lead to change in your spouse the same way it lead to change for you.
would you elaborate on that last sentence, please - i'm really interested in what you think about that.
what you ended with is really true - i get the decision, and what started with a feeling of total loss of control in the sitch, comes full circle when i finally realize that no - it's me that gets to decide when i stop standing when i move on...
thanks for your words - they are clear and concise
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
truegritter-i really appreciate your post. a lot to think about.
bustingout
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
YOU decide your own fate and the terms of how you move on from this tragedy instead of being the victim of someone else's choice.
These words helped me through the dark times:
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
The future does not simply consist of either reconciliation or misery and regret, you have infinite possible futures to choose from. Master your fate.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
thanks for your reply - it helps me . and believe me i'm suddenly at the point where i am not doing anything to try and re-attrat my husband. it's becoming more a case of can he re-attract me!
thanks for your reply - it helps me . and believe me i'm suddenly at the point where i am not doing anything to try and re-attrat my husband. it's becoming more a case of can he re-attract me!
Usually when someone believes "nothing's working" it is because:
a) it really isn't working and they need to try something different or b) it isn't working because not enough time has been given to see if it works or not or c) they haven't clearly defined what it is they want, (maybe the goal it too broad).
Think of it this way. If your goal is a reconciliation with your spouse and after several months this hasn't happened, you might feel as if nothing's working. On the other hand, if your goal is a reconciliation but you break down that goal into smaller more achievable targets, it is easier to measure and adjust as needed given sufficient time to see if things are working as anticipated.
In my specific sitch, I of course desired a reconciliation. However, to get there I had to slow down the march towards divorce first and I also had to work towards a better relationship with my W. To do that I had to give my W a ton of space. I had to work on my 180's. I needed to GAL. And to keep my sanity I needed to seek guidance and support from others, including people on this forum.
If I measured my success on whether on reconciled with my W, I'd have to say "nothing's working" because we have not reconciled. But, if I measured my success based upon my smaller, more achievable goals (i.e. slowing the march towards D, improving the R with my W), I'd say that has worked.
Now I need to work towards a new set of goals, one of which is moving back into my home and getting my W and I into some form of joint counseling. These too seem somewhat broad and so I may need to break down these goals further.
A marital crisis is much like a big elephant. And how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
