W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P3

[Snowman]

Well, I guess I have finally detached enough and moved on because I got the most surprising text from my W this morning that I was not expecting.

She said "I am really sorry for everything I have done to you. I feel strongly that I need to say that to you.

The conversation then went to asking me if I really want a D still. I was honest and said I never really wanted a D. I asked her if she still wanted one and this is what she said "Honestly I did. Now I don't. i was so mad at you and mad at myself but I've done a lot of soul searching and I don't. For the first time in a long time I don't or at least I would seriously like to go to counseling."

We exchange more texts and we mutually agreed we did want to rehash the past and dwell on the negative moving forward. I told her that I know I'm analytical, could vomit mountains of information of what I have learned, and I'm a fixer but I don't want to approach it that way. She said lets learn from each other. i said ok let me know where you want to start be it counseling, activities, or talking.

She wants to meet at the park to play together with our S.

I have personally be looking at Mort Fortel's program. I know that is jumping the gun and to not get my hopes up or push things which I'm not and letting her take the lead on this. What do people think about Mort's program?

My W texted me a pic of our S over the weekend and had been more cordial day by day until yesterday came. Not sure what to think as she has done a variation of this before but I will see were it goes and willing to work if she seriously is. Actions will speak louder than words on both of our parts.

[breakdownbill]

Hey Snowman

I don't know much about Mort's program, but I can tell you that doing stuff together as a family is the best way to start off. It doesn't feel like pressure, you both get to have fun with your son and the opportunity to talk & spend time together is always there.

This is such a 180 for your W - really happy for you. It sounds like your going to do this anyway, but my only advice would be to take it slow, validate your W as much as possible and really listen to her.

Great news Snow - keep us posted!!

Bill

[sayitaintso]

I'm so happy for u Snow!!!!

Now is when the hard part starts, lol.

Slow and steady and continue to be very aware of your actions and words and make sure they are in line with who you want to be.

Keep us posted!

[BklynMom]

Truly a miracle!! Take it slow you have made it so far. You should be so proud of yourself.

Please keep us posted!

[MrBond]

Great job Snow! Been alot of stories like that lately.

[Snowman]

My W texted me to say she is putting the D on hold with her L which is more good signs. We are going to grab diner and go to a park with our S to play while we talk about what approach we want to take as far as counseling or other programs. My W also said we have a lot to work through. I validated that comment and said we have some hard work ahead but I'm willing to put forth the effort and I hope you are too.

Question: My W's birthday is in 2 days and I'm not sure what to do at this point. My birthday was a few weeks ago and received nothing from her but that was before the revelation of wanting to work on it. I'm not keeping score I just not sure if I should get something for her or not. I was thinking something simple like a card but it's hard to tell???

How do I search for a good marriage counselor?

[vera be fierce]

Hi Snow - glad to hear about the progress with your W.

I would not recommend a gift at this point unless her love language is gifts, in which case perhaps something very, very small. You know her best - don't scare the squirrel!

I believe MDW wrote about finding a good MC in the back of one of DB/DR (I don't have it with me right now so I don't remember which). Maybe try looking on the website for the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) to see if there is any local. At a minimum, make sure to ask if they are pro-marriage and be clear that you are working to save your M before you take your W there.

Good luck.

[Valeska19]

I also want to add that MDW recommends a solution based counselor. No rehashing the past.. only moving forward with the future.

Wishing you all the best snow!

[vera be fierce]

^^ Good point. The information I mentioned is in the back of DB.

[Snowman]

Ok, the park visit with S got shutdown so my W just came over to the house and brought dinner. I have mixed feelings about the visit.

The positive: She did come over with dinner. We played with my S in the house together. She asked about what to do about the house and we mutually agreed on things there even though she threw in the words if things work out or not. We did vaguely talk about marriage counseling or other approaches. We chit-chatted about various things going on in our lifes. She did hang around for a while which was good.

The not so positive: She talked about counseling for 15 seconds if that and had no opinion or idea on how she wanted to approach things, huh? I discussed the counselor I had found that I would like to try and gave her a printout on the counselor and said please check the counselor out and let me know what others you may want to check out. She did ask me about the online thing which is the Mort Fortel thing and I said I would send her the link so she could get a better description for it but I got the impression she was interested in that because then she wouldn't have to tell someone what has really gone on or continue to hide things. That won't fly with me. She seemed to keep this no emotion state unless she was playing with our S and glimpses of happiness would shine through. It was weird.

I said I needed to go to the store which I really did which allowed a graceful exit for all and a easier transition for our S who struggles when she comes over and leaves.

I think I had the classic issue of getting my hopes up for more than what she gave which I know better and should not have. She had nothing to say even though we exchanged texts where she said we would talk more about this and that when we talk and then we she gets there she says nothing. I didn't pressure to talk and I'm not going to drag it out of her because that would be the old me but I'm a little confused to say the least after all the texting.

I will send her the counselor stuff and Mort Fortel program for her to research as she requested and go from there. I know I need to be very careful not to pressure so I won't. I will only do what she asks or is open to and hopefully we can spend more time together as well.