I read somewhere in piercing that you should treat your spouse like a stranger. I'm not piercing but to me.. that seems like a high road to take....
..but it does come with a little bit of pain
Had a conversation with my wife tonight. I told her that although I didn't have everything I needed, I could update her as to where I was with the health insurance.
I'm not really sure why i did this. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Anyway she called me pretty immediately. I thought I heard male voices in the background. It put me off a little although I know she is actively dating.. so I should let that go.
We talked a little about the insurance. She brought up what I did in December when I got reinstated. She didn't want to have to pay the difference of $200. She was like "I didn't have a choice then, I have a choice now".
I kept my mouth shut. Whether she was baiting for a fight or expressing her feelings made no difference to me. I didn't apologize.. I said "I understand that you feel that way".
We laughed and joked a little about insurance when I spoke about my gameplan. She said she typed her emails to me whilst she was in the actual meeting. That she was panicking but also wanted to give me the heads up.
For the most part she was receptive to my gameplan. She brought up her fears. I validated but I also assured her that I wasn't going to reinstate in her health insurance expecting her to pay the family difference. .
She said she didn't know what else to do on her end... I said "nothing, it's all about me and getting info I need to make the best decision for me".
It was really interesting.. she apologized that it was so expensive and she said that she hoped an independent option worked out for me. She even mentioned that she had a friend that went on government issued health care with pre-existing conditions.
For a moment - it seemed like she cared about me.
At one point it got really loud in her apartment and she said something..
.. I honestly didn't know if she was talking to me. I was like "I'm sorry I couldn't tell if you were speaking to me or someone else."
She was like "Oh that's the radio. There's no one here".
Shrug - Okay.
I told her I was really busy this week but would do my best to get the answers for us so we could move forward accordingly.
She said that she appreciated that and me calling her to update her.
I'm sure she did - her head seems to fly away with what I might do to her.
And that was it...
I have mixed feelings about the conversation.
It's really easy for me to act as if.. because I'm genuinely a happy/healthy person...
..however it's pretty painful for us to have that kind of dialogue. The question I ask myself though - is it less painful to be distant.
I don't know. I know the past 5 months wasn't working for me, but then again when I am nice to her.. I feel like she feels like she can just ask what she wants and do what she wants.
And the battle I fight is.. Do I want to be who I am or do I want to show my w that she doesn't get to talk to me as if anything ever happened.
And even though it hurts.. I think I'd rather do option 1. I will guard myself as much as I can from her, but I need to do what makes me happy....
... I need to do with what I can live with.
Honestly I don't know if either will bring me closer to my wife.
At this stage it doesn't matter.. the only thing that matters is myself and being the woman that I want to be.
In a few short weeks, this will be done and I won't have to worry about how to talk with her any more. Like I posted.. it will be such a relief in some ways.
I'm ready to live my life without the stress on my heart. I'm ready to heal all the way.
And leave my w to deal with her own sh!t on her own time.
Is what I'm doing right?? I don't know. I guess it depends on what your definition of right is.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
