Do What Works

[zig]

thanks truegritter - your post is very helpful. i am definitely more to where you are describing than i ever was before. starting to see h in a new light , so to speak

Doing your own work and letting go of getting your spouse back as the only successful outcome.

when you reach this, that's when the peace suddenly starts, isn't it? at least that's what i feel.

From that place you are able to look honestly at your spouse and ask yourself the question whether it is healthy for you to be with them at this point in time...

is it time to celebrate a little when we reach this place - like have a party:)
i realize suddenly that it is a perfectly okay question to ask myself now. before i couldn't, because i wasn't in a healthy enough place to see where he was - now i am:)
Then... you ask yourself what would I need to see if I were to accept this person back in my life given who I have become?

That is a good day.

AND it can lead to change in your spouse the same way it lead to change for you.

would you elaborate on that last sentence, please - i'm really interested in what you think about that.

what you ended with is really true - i get the decision, and what started with a feeling of total loss of control in the sitch, comes full circle when i finally realize that no - it's me that gets to decide when i stop standing when i move on...

thanks for your words - they are clear and concise

zig