Do What Works

[zig]

Zig,

I think you could look at it as "at least he's not still making futher steps AWAY from the marriage."
he told me that he is - when he bought the house. in some ways it seems as if he is - he has withdrawn hard - but then seems to come towards me very temporarily and then pulls away again. it feels as if he is in holding pattern right now..

A vehicle have to shift to 'Neutral' before it can go from 'Reverse' to 'Drive.'

i like the way you put that - i wouldn't call his behavior neutral - more like jumping all over the board. if the 'splitting' thing really exists, i would say he's splitting a lot. the last month he seems to be incredibly stressed - to the point that he can't hide it from the people he was able to until now.

NO EXPECTATIONS. Do what you do for your kids, FOR YOUR KIDS -- not with some thought of re-attracting your husband. And be thankful you guys are at least civilly co-parenting together.

i don't have expectations - and i have really started to detach - i can see it in my own reactions when he's on edge and laying into me - it's as if suddenly i have been able to step back so much that i can see it doesn't have much to do with me really - just his own stuff.

as for co-parenting civilly - i'm not sure i would classify it like that. it's more a case of us each doing our own thing. recently we have had conversations that he has initiated where we talk about s in what seems a really positive way and discuss issues we've had on how to deal with certain things. but afterwards it's as if we haven't had the conversation at all - the next time i talk to him, and refer to something we discussed - i sometimes get a barrage back with a lot of irritation. i've learned to just keep quiet and wait until the next time he's ready to deal with it.

i can SEE the instant he feels pressured - it's becoming very transparent now. so if he feels like dealing with a certain something, whatever it is, he's comfortable coming to me with it in a relaxed manner and discussing it.

but i am not really "allowed" to initiate a conversation or suggestion about certain things i would like us to do with s, or in a certain way - that brings on a lot of tension and him pulling back or getting angry.


Starsky

thanks for your reply - it helps me . and believe me i'm suddenly at the point where i am not doing anything to try and re-attrat my husband. it's becoming more a case of can he re-attract me! i'm still standing but in a different place now - the right place! i just want to figure out how to get the co-parenting relationship on the right track - as a start - it's my only goal for now.

zig