Why would that stand out for me? What does that mean? That I really am not comfortable getting close to him. Do I really hate him that much? No, it isn't hate, it's fear. Is my sadness and desire about the M really about the M and not about him/us? No, it is about us, about what I believe a R between man and wife should be. Maybe I just really don't want to salvage my M. No, I do want to, I don't know that I believe it can be. Maybe I just really don't love him anymore. I do. Maybe I don't have any other answer to my H's email because there is nothing that can be done. Maybe. Maybe it was over a long time ago and I'm only trying to revive it because we're still legal, and I don't want to be carrying his dead-weight. I still want the happy M, maybe it was over a long time ago. Maybe that's why none of the suggestions are setting well with me, because I just don't want to. I really don't want to.
I do want to be happy. I find I'm happiest when I'm not around H. Why is that? Because he isn't a safe person for me. When he's not around, I can be me without condemnation, without the imposition of his thoughts and feelings over mine. I can stretch and breathe. If it's something about ME, then why am I happiest when I'm not around HIM? Because I'm safe with me. What is wrong about me that only comes out when I'm around him? I do not feel safe around him. Where does "it" go when he's not there? The lack of safety goes with him. Why don't I find the same dissatisfaction/unhappiness in my other R's? I feel safe around other people. Other people haven't proven to be unsafe for me. Why does my generally happy self disappear when I get with him? Because I'm afraid. Do I just dislike him to my core being and that taints everything? Not dislike, fear. And it does taint everything.
I recognize that I'm a sensitive person. Am I too sensitive? I don't think so. I've certainly weathered some painful exchanges here, with grace and dignity I believe. Yet I'm still here, still listening, still trying. I've also had incidents with friends, but a few incidents don't define someone as unsafe.
I've had this note on my laptop for months. It really struck a chord with me back then. Curious how it's tying in with this post as well:
Quote:
When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.
She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and desire her presence in your life.
As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believed was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.
It boils down to the fact that I trusted H, fully and deeply, and he has hurt me in every imaginable way, repeatedly. There is no longer anything that I could unequivocally state about him, about what he would or would not do morally or ethically. I almost feel like I don't even know him, certainly not from the man he claims.
I have stripped my needs of him to be nothing more than basic courtesy and respect, the same thing he would freely offer to a perfect stranger, yet that seems too much to ask. I want to rebuild trust, but he seems incapable of accommodating the simplest request (eg. not eating food off of my plate.) If I can't trust him with the simple things, how can I possibly trust him again with my heart? My H isn't acting like an LBS. He isn't doing any 180's. He isn't listening and affirming what I say and validating my feelings. He defends his actions and discounts my feelings instead.
How does one build a R without trust? How does one build trust when it is continually broken? How does one rebuild trust when the other person really isn't doing anything to try?
I can't extend myself, I can't invest, because I'm too afraid to try, too afraid of getting hurt yet again. Too afraid of losing myself completely and becoming nothing more than a shadow of H, because the only thoughts and feelings I'm allowed to have are ones that match his. I've already lost so much of myself, I've only just begun to find me again, and I'm afraid if I go back to investing again, I'll sink back into that depression that I just climbed my way out of. I can't do that again, because if I do, it will literally be the death of me. And I am much more afraid of that than I am of H walking away.
