Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Jack.

I've been doing well, but have been down the last couple of days. XW has flown to New York to visit her parents. I'm not certain, but I assume that she took OM with her. Right before she went nuts, we had planned to go and then all Hell broke loose. I know that it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Guess I still need to work on detaching more.

I'm wondering though. Do people going through MLC, tend to hide the OP or flaunt them?

The communication between XW and I has increased a little bit over the past few weeks, but she is still obviously messed up. I got this one from her a few days ago:

XW: If you bring S17 on Friday, June 1st, I will bring him back on Friday, June 15th so you have him for the entire Father's Day weekend. You can bring him anytime after 2. I should be done at the dentist by then. I can text if I get home sooner...probably won't be able to talk.

Me: I'll let you know.

XW: Ok. Thanks!

Ten minutes later:

XW: Also, you could bring him earlier in the week if that works better for you. I will be back on Tuesday.

ME: Ok.

Just sharing/venting/journaling.

Think I may want to write a book about this mess someday.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
To answer your question about hiding or flaunting the OP...it all depends upon the mlcer and how he acts out during his/her crisis. There is no one "fit all" when it comes to mlcers.

Does she really know what day she wants her son to come over? LOL! I think she's trying to get a rise out of you w/the change in dates. You did well in responding to her.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Snodderly.

Bad day today. Guess I'm not as detached as I thought. I just don't know if I can do any of this anymore. A friend saw on FB that XW posted:

"I'm starting to realize that I am in love hook line and sinker. How did that happen? Life is wonderful."

Wow. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

When does the pain stop? When do I quit caring? Why do I still love her? Why am I finding it so hard to believe that she did this? How can someone just turn off feelings and become a different person? How can she just leave me and everyone else in the dust? Why can't she see that what she did was so wrong?

I suppose that marriage is next.

We had plans. Even up until bomb drop....

I haven't had a day like this in a long long time.

How?

HOW AND WHY?

I suppose I'll get 2X4s for this.

Everyone says that "I" need to work on me and focus on me. How can I do that when every ounce of energy has been spent on hurting for her and trying to keep my bills paid and food on my table for the kids that she deserted?

I've been going through this for almost 20 months and I'm not sure if I can go one more day. I'm done.

It has been easier, but then a day like today comes along.

What the Hell happened? Life was so good until bomb drop.

I don't know who I am or what I want. It seems like I just struggle to get through one more day. In other words, it seems like I am just existing.

I have no plans, hopes or dreams. The ones that I had were taken away by someone that I loved dearly and trusted with my life.

She has moved on with her "wonderful life" and I'm stuck spinning wheels in the mud.

What happened to her?

What THE F*CK happened to her?

And why?

I am not a bad person. I didn't deserve this, but I am the one that gets sh!t on.

Sorry for the rant.

Ok, maybe I'm not.

I just had to get it out there....

Tad

[BeingMe]

You're allowed these feelings, and to vent them ... glad you're doing it here. Don't wallow, though. Feel what you feel, then put up the STOP sign in your mind, and think or do something else totally unrelated to your M. Even if it's a computer game, or movie, or anything to take your mind somewhere else.

It seems as if all is well in her world, but don't be fooled. I'm betting she's saying all these things on FB to keep the fantasy going. No mother would leave her children without some feelings of guilt, let alone her H and M. Just continue working at GAL, and detaching. You will have new dreams. All you have to do is be grateful for that which you have now, and live in the present. For example, you have your precious sons, you are healthy, etc.

Take care.

[job]

Tad,
I'm in agreement w/BeingMe...be grateful for what you have today (in the present). The future it tomorrow and none of us will have a clue as to what tomorrow may bring. The present is a "gift" that we receive each and every day we get up and face the world for another day. Embrace the happy moments and enjoy your children.

Now about your crazy xw...well...no one knows what is going on w/her, but you can't rule out that she is acting out and who knows...maybe she put that out on FB to get a reaction/rise out of you....if she did, she has definitely pushed your buttons my man. She's living in Wonderland and every man that she meets and gets a crush on, I can bet she'll be posting that she's madly in love w/him. Stop drinking the kool-aid that she is serving up.

I hate to say this, but you are still so attached to the situation that you are reacting to each and every little thing that she says or does. You need to stop trying to analyze her or her actions/words...it's driving you totally crazy and you are the adult here....you need to stay balanced for yourself and your children.

Nothing in the mlcer's world is what it appears to be....Tad, live your life as if she were dead. Pour the kool-aid down the drain and say no thanks when friends want to share rumors/gossip w/you about her....it's not worth it.

[RoofTop]

I agree that the FB thing was designed for you. She knew you'd either see it or hear about it. Look at it this way, if you met someone that touched your heart, would you advertise it to everyone in her known world? There's a huge difference between saying your happy and really being happy.

I don't know if my wife has had or is having a PA. I'm pretty certain about the EA and it took me over a year to get past it. That's not to say I don't have my bad days where the hurt resurfaces some, but I just don't see my wife (until she files) happy at all. She can party with friends and laugh and live, but as the world begins to slow down and take shape, love lost is love lost. I see a clear pattern in her friendships and how misery attracts misery, but as her friends find happiness, the phone calls stop coming for her.

Where are you in all this? You don't live with your wife so maybe it can be helpful if you take more control of your surroundings. Paint a room, put up a shelf. Find something that will distract you and give you a sense of achievement. I'm no expert and we're all different. I went back to school. I've made myself busy so that I'd have something to occupy my mind during downtime. I reserve the hardest courses for the summer when my wife stays out later more often. I don't think about her as much when I have to focus on school work and studying. I'm trying to take advantage of my wife's experience by learning how to not be so lazy and selfish and more dedicated to getting things done.

It's not for everyone, but it's just a thought.

[seeking answers]

Tad,

First and foremost you're not planning on doing anything harmful to yourself, are you?

Is this the same om that she's been seeing? If it is, think about this for a second. Why would she now be declaring that she's so in love when she's been seeing him for over a year? Something doesn't smell right.

I believe the other posters are right. You may have been set up. One thing I have learned from Snodderly and others is just to sit quietly. Answers do come and things aren't always as they appear. You have been so focused on your XW you haven't had time to sit quietly. Remember that sitting quietly doesn't mean that you can't continue to move forward.

One thing you haven't quite got yet and that is that you have choices in all this. You have a choice in how this affects you and how you react to it. You're letting your X spin you like a top. Stop it!

Why don't you have any hopes or dreams? So, you've had to build a new life for yourself. We've all had to. Are you really going to let your XW have so much of your power that you quit functioning? What does this say about you to your sons? Tad, where is your spirit?

Be that man only a fool would leave. The only way to do that is to take the focus off your XW and put it back where it belongs, ON YOU.

[Kimmerz]

Tad,

Im sorry I can't remember, but have you been to IC? What reading have you done on emotional abuse?

You know what Tad, Im going to share something with you. I don't know if it will help, but Im going to. Something dawned on me last night in regards to how I still feel so stuck and powerless at times, and it's always when I have some sort of interaction with my XH.

I was reading up on the first wives club on the Dr. Phil website, and how devastated these LBS women were. As I read through their situations, they all were in a place where they were stuck and just couldn't move on to the better place where they wanted to be. And in my opinion the reason they couldn't do it ( and then I realized this was going on with myself) is that these women allowed these men to take all their power from them by not truly accepting how awful these husbands were to them! And Im completely guilty for doing this to myself.

Look at what she's done to you Tad? Look at how she has mentally and emotionally ripped you to shreds? Only to layer it with her charm, witt, and appearing like she cares only to slam you again?And Again? Your Xw isn't capable of a healthy and truly loving relationship of any sort by the way she's treated you in the past and does in the present. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You didn't do anything wrong! I know Tad, I know how much their venom leaves us in a huge state of disarray and devastation.

When you start to believe in yourself again, and get your self esteem and power coming back to you, it's easier to see these people for what they truly are right now.

I think that we end up disilluioning ourselves into thinking that if we're patient enough, if we care enough, and change things about ourselves enough that it will turn things around and eventually this person will change. They will see the changes in us and be attracted to us again. Basically pyschology dictates that, but just because they're attracted to us again, does this mean they're healthy enough for a healthy and loving relationship? NO! Anyone we choose to be involved with must love us for who we are, not what we can do for them.

Tad to help me get through this and grow I've had to accept some things about XH that I've been in complete denial about for a very long time. I also realize that my entire life, past and future all set on this man, and what mood he was in. What he wanted to do. What he was willing to do. What he was interested in or not. I made the choice to put all my dreams aside because I didn't have enough self esteem to take them on my own, with or without him.

So you know what? I say get angry. Be pissed. GEt out a piece of paper and write down every horrible thing she's ever done to you and still continues to do. I think you're stifling alot of anger , and anger turned inside turns into despair and depression. What kind of healthy individual does this to other people and shows no remorse? No apologies, or concern?

I still get angry Tad, I really do. I've worked very hard on figuring out why I would still feel so much anger towards someone that treated me so badly. I don't ever get this upset about anyone else in my life at all. WEll for me I know it's because I feel he took all my power away. I feel powerless when he acts like he's the happiest man alive after he devastated me and my girls. I feel powerless after what he's done, and then he comes around like absolutely nothing has happened and that we're best friends. AS far as my xh is concerned, he get exactly what he wanted and he's happy. AS to how my emotions have been shredded, he doesn't care at all.

So I ask myself why in the hell would I want to have anything to do with a man like that?

I hope you ask yourself that a dozen times about your wife. You don't deserve this and never have.

[dl443322]

Oh Tad, I feel for you. I really do.

I know how very difficult it is to understand.

But this is the way it is right now. And no amount of asking why is going to change it.

So, you have two choices. You can continue to focus on your xw and lament about what was and what your plans were, but, that is not serving you well. Or you can begin to accept that you only have control over you.

Tad, life is so very short. And you are wasting precious time not living.

Pick one thing that you are interested in or a place you always wanted to go to. Put all your energies into making it a reality to try it or go there.

It will give you something to look forward to.

Your xw is pulling all the strings.

I say get a scissor and cut them.

You have so much to be thankful for.

Get to gettin' sweetie.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. Snodderly, as for your comment about her not knowing when to pick up S17, it has been changed again. She cancelled her dentist appointment because she has a bladder infection. I have no idea what one has to do with the other.

Now for the questions and comments:

It seems as if all is well in her world, but don't be fooled. I'm betting she's saying all these things on FB to keep the fantasy going. No mother would leave her children without some feelings of guilt, let alone her H and M.

I'm not so sure. She has said all along that she feels no guilt at all. She was entitled to this and did this for her.

Now about your crazy xw...well...no one knows what is going on w/her, but you can't rule out that she is acting out and who knows...maybe she put that out on FB to get a reaction/rise out of you....if she did, she has definitely pushed your buttons my man. She's living in Wonderland and every man that she meets and gets a crush on, I can bet she'll be posting that she's madly in love w/him. Stop drinking the kool-aid that she is serving up.

I know Snodderly, but why would she want to get a rise out of me? Like I've said, she has left me in the dust. I guess I'm just having a hard time wondering how long it will be before crap stops bothering me.

First and foremost you're not planning on doing anything harmful to yourself, are you?

Can't say that I haven't wished it.

Is this the same om that she's been seeing? If it is, think about this for a second. Why would she now be declaring that she's so in love when she's been seeing him for over a year? Something doesn't smell right.

Yes, it is the same one. I think she is just now doing it because she didn't want anyone to know when it all went down that she was leaving me for him. She probably figures enough time has gone by...

I believe the other posters are right. You may have been set up.

I just don't understand why though.

Im sorry I can't remember, but have you been to IC?

Went to marriage counseling but XW cancelled that. After she left, I went to IC, but quit going to him because he was pro divorce and I was trying to save my marriage at the time.

Look at what she's done to you Tad? Look at how she has mentally and emotionally ripped you to shreds? Only to layer it with her charm, witt, and appearing like she cares only to slam you again?And Again? Your Xw isn't capable of a healthy and truly loving relationship of any sort by the way she's treated you in the past and does in the present. This has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You didn't do anything wrong! I know Tad, I know how much their venom leaves us in a huge state of disarray and devastation.

Yeah. I often wonder what happened to the beautiful woman I loved and trusted. She turned on me like a Pitbull.

I feel powerless when he acts like he's the happiest man alive after he devastated me and my girls. I feel powerless after what he's done, and then he comes around like absolutely nothing has happened and that we're best friends.

Wow. I can sooooo relate.

Pick one thing that you are interested in or a place you always wanted to go to. Put all your energies into making it a reality to try it or go there.

Hmmmmm......I can think of lots of things, but they all involved her. Guess I better do more digging.

....

Tad