So today and yesterday I got tons of yard work done (have the blisters to prove it!). More needs to be done but I'm going to get up early before my cookout and try to get to it. The rest can wait. So I'll text H and say there is no need for him to come. Do I say something nice like "you don't need to come by so you can relax on your day off" or is that pursuing?? I'm just thinking about how he seems to villanize me and how I am someone only a fool would leave so....am I sweet about it or just straight informative?? Pretending he is a neighbor i would typically be sweet but again don't want to seem pursuing.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
Texted my H saying the yard looks good and he doesn't need to come over and do anything- its too nice out for yard work. He texts back that he is stopping by anyways and am I there (I know he didn't want to come when I was home). I can't win. I feel like he resents me either way.
Was with my family today and my parents friends were over and they all were asking. Everyone is so confused. We used to go away every summer with my parents and another couple and the couple asked me today if I thought my H would show up there. So awkward.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
You can't figure out what he's thinking. Good job on the yard work. he will notice it even if he doesn't say anything. Conversations with friends and family are hard. I find myself hoping no one brings it up but also wanting to talk about it. It's weird.
If he doesn't want to come by when you are there, that is his problem, not yours.
Holidays and routines are really hitting me hard, too. I think a lot of people don't want to ask, but want to ask, but don't know what to say. Don't feel bad about it yourself - it svcks for everyone.
I know- I hate that other people are uncomfortable around me though. I looked really cute today too. I kind of wished someone had taken a picture of me and posted it on FB. H quit but I know he goes on under his mom's account- I block most things from her but would unblock a cute pic
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
I kind of wished someone had taken a picture of me and posted it on FB.
Nothing you do will make him change his mind. It's very very hard to come to that understanding but not influence, no manipulating, nothing.....you have to detach to the point that his actions don't affect you.
I feel pretty detached now but then I'll have a few days where I'm so curious. I think the holiday (and the fact we got engaged memorial day) put me over the edge this weekend.
Brit- as a former WA can you explain why he is so cold to me? I get he probably has villianized me to help himself but it just hurts. The fact that it was so quick too. Today I thought about emailing him and saying something about how it hurts that he can treat me so cold when I didn't (intentionally) do anything to hurt him. I wanted to tell him how hard it is for me to take my anger out of it and be friendly to him and try to empathize how hard it must be for him having to leave our home, etc. but that I'm being nice and he should be too. I was strong and didn't though.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
All those things that you wanted to tell him: empathy, being friendly, getting rid of your anger are all things YOU have to do.
Why are you asking him to help you with your emotions?
What sort of response would you hope for?
We can mind read about why he's doing this: to minimize his pain or hurt, perhaps he thinks the less he is around you the sooner you'll heal or move on. I remember saying to someone I'n glad we have to live apart this month (before he actually moved apart) I think we need a break. He needs to be on his own. But anyway all these things are theories and in reality it doesn't matter.
It's hard for someone to have a friendly relationship with someone if one person in the friendship is needy or desperate. We've all had friends like that.
Work on you. But also accept that you may never know why he acts/acted this way. He may never be nice and friendly. He may never come back. We don't know the outcome and we have to accept what's happening now.
Thanks for being the voice of reason for me Brit. I Need to stop trying to psycho-analyze him. I think labeling him makes me feel better- maybe because that puts all the blame on him. I am owning up to my responsibilities though- but just in my head. Went for a run and my anger pushed me to run pretty fast considering how hot it is out!!
I hope the old him comes back- even if not to me. He WAS a really good person. I hope he knows he doesn't have to repeat his dad's mistakes (what our counselor thinks is happening). Meanwhile I'll continue to work on me. I had a fun/ funny meeting today at work. I felt like the old me making jokes.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
