what to do? - Long Story

[MrBond]

"but I am guessing she did not want me hanging around her marathon running friends looking like a slob."

Probably not.

"She complimented me on it a few weeks ago, I told her I was going to need some new clothes (no agenda, just making small talk) and two days later there were clothes in my room."

These little actions are good signs. The point is to increase these.

"if only because the house is so tense"

The tension is caused by the both of you. But it only takes one person to break it. Leaving only strengthens it.

"More than anything I tend to get lost in my thoughts and miss out on small talk."

Big no-on to a SAHM. You are her primary source of adult interaction. Because of this you need to be the one who feeds her need for adult interaction the most. No matter how tired you were, you need to validate the things she does and show that what she does has worth.

"There will be times she will say - you didn't even hear what I was saying" and while I can often repeat what she said, she is right, I was not listening actively."

Exactly.

"I think there are reasons for it and I am in IC - but how does one do a 180/LRT AND show they are a good listener?"

I'll tell you a secret. There is no secret. You just listen. Think back to when the two of you were first dating. You probably hung on to every word she said and picked up little things here and there. That's the mindset you need to get back to. That's the mindset of the OM. For example, if your W complained that she had a hard time giving the kids a bath for some reason, the next nite you just give the kids a bath without her asking. Just like how you just decided to work out without her telling you. These little cues show her that you are listening and will get her to open up a little more.

Think about her like a dog that wanders into your yard. If you charge it and offer it food and water, etc. (its needs) it will run. Same as your W. But if you approach it slowly, be comforting and offer it a little reward, eventually it will allow you to get close again.

If someone told you that you had to do something or to stop something that they didn't like (even if it were an inappropriate R) would you want to listen? Of course not.