When it's a one-way street...part 5

[zig]

good, good, now you're where you should be, asking the right questions about YOUR OWN feelings, not asking questions about h's feelings or actions.

you're fine, crazyville, you just needed to get here - and it took some time. and it's okay, you know, we each get to it after being nudged enough. sometimes, as in your case (grin) we have to practically bash you on the head with a 2 x4. i felt as if i have been so mean to you, but know that everything i wrote to you, i've been applying to myself!!

read carefully the replies you got after you wrote this post - there are a lot of very good messages and advice to you there.

it's time to take the focus off h - and really start to look at yourself and do the inner work . it's very painful, very very painful, but you have to be brave and do it now. look in the mirror (within yourself) and find out who you really are and why you are still in that house with your h.

find out what hurts deep deep inside you, that you cover with anger, frustration and accusations towards your h, and behind those emotions if you gently dig and open yourself to the answers you will find the real hurts that you will be able to let go off and release.

and as you come to know each of these - and some of them will blindside you - and let go of them, you will, i believe, actually begin to find yourself warming towards the idea of the relationship blossoming rather than the other way around.

your eew reaction to what i wrote - isn't eew to your h - it's yikes, i can't do that work , it's too hard, it's too painful. it's safer to cling on to the anger and irritation than it is to delve within ourselves.

you can't find the real answer to what you want and what will be the correct thing for you to do, until you do the inner work.

i think , even if you don't realize it or see it, you are ready now to do it.this post of yours was the most heartfelt truest thing you wrote.

you've exhausted your other options and this is the only one left. so make a plan and follow it. if you don't know where to start, start simple. take your most predominant emotion in the sitch - anger for example and just google it - start reading. one thing will lead to another and you will begin to find your way through it.

if you can start IC - go on your own - it's YOUR stuff to deal with first - find out why you walked away why you came back and what you expect now and what you are doing or not doing presently that is working towards that. if the IC is good, she'll pick up on where you need to be and help lead the way. print out some of the posts here that meant the most to you, or touched the rawest nerve show them to her - just get started.

and for now, just forget about what your h is doing or not doing - take some space for yourself, get a breather and do your own thing. but this time NOT with the attitude that f - h , i'm just going to go have fun. do it with the attitude that "it is very important right now that i understand myself better and learn myself better. only when i know better what i am, can i make any real true decisions of what i want with my h"

doubt plays a HUGE role in all of this. and if we talk about riding our spouses roller coasters, well, when we start our own real self-discovery and self-healing journey, there's our very own special roller coaster to ride on - our very own that we don't even share with anyone. and it's a way harder ride - because we don't get to distract ourselves by looking over to see what the other one is doing so we can point the finger and take the focus off ourselves.

it's worth the ride - don't pull back and don't get off, because as you go through each station along the way, you get to unload some personal [censored] and take on a small load of inner peace and a tiny fragment more of wisdom you didn't have before. and then the ride stars smoothing out a bit and gets a little easier each day.

you're very brave crazyville - i don't think i could have withstood some of the posts you've had to read. so channel that same bravery towards yourself - you're definitely worth it:)
((( )))
zig