what to do? - Long Story

[MrBond]

"and offered to work on reconciliation several times."

The fact is that you have to start changing now before reconciliation can even happen. I mean how does she know that if she decides to reconcile with you that you won't go back on your word?

"but I need her to tell me."

No you don't. Write down even the small things that she used to complain about under her breath. That's going to be your answer.

"I have told her I would forgive her and we would work on the M,"

Uh doesn't work that way. You either forgive her or you don't. Not because she's going to drop the other guy. If you don't reassure her that she's forgiven, she's always going to feel like you're going to hold it over her.

Actually in your posts, all you've done is concentrate on the A. But what were the marital issues that got you to that point? Really think about it and write them here. That is going to be the answer.

DBing isn't about fixing the marriage together. It's about fixing yourself first and then seeing how that in turn fixes the M. She looked at you and the OM and saw him as the better option because she felt that you were or weren't doing something that pushed the right buttons in her. She may not even know what those things are.