If love were a science then you would have hit it out of the park. Unfortunately, people are so much more complicated and sometimes there's just nothing you can do.
Of the books I've read, catering to your spouse too much can create real problems for them. Among those problems are that if you are "too good" your spouse will feel inadequate by comparison, like they can't measure up, and then they feel badly about themselves. They can also feel trapped if they feel they are your only social outlet. Finally, if you're not out there interacting with others, there is less danger and risk and it's easier for them to take you for granted. Not that you should play jealousy games, but more to establish and maintain the fact that you're an independent person with a life separate from your role in your marriage.
One book to check out would be "The Passion Trap" -- see if any of it resonates with you.
From what you've said, H has a bunch of his own issues that really don't have anything to do with you. I'm sure the deployments put a strain on your marriage. He also has a trend of "ejecting" when things are starting to get too intense or too real for him. That has nothing to do with you -- that's his issue. Finally, he violated your trust, and you both spent a difficult year recovering from that.
You're looking at yourself now saying "what did I do wrong?" and "What could I have done differently to prevent this?" Part of DB is to examine who you are, own your shortcomings, and 180 the parts of you that lead to relationship problems. This is done, however, to provide YOU with greater happiness going forward, and to demonstrate to your WAS that their impression of you may not be correct.
The point is NOT to look back over the course of your marriage and pick it apart from the perspective of what you did wrong. It very well may be the case that you did NOTHING wrong, and that there's NOTHING you could have done to prevent what happened. We're human, we make mistakes, we hurt each other. Part of marriage lies in working through that together and understanding that times are sometimes tough for both of you. You can't hold yourself to an impossibly high standard, because you were only half of the relationship.
Rather than saying "what did I do wrong?" a better question to ask is "What am I going to do right in my next relationship? Either with H or with someone else? What have I learned about myself, and about marriage in general that will give me a much better prospect for success in the future?"
Answering the first question is demoralizing. Answering the second one is empowering.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
